Unwanted Change

2009 started off as the best year I'd ever had... and ended as the worst.

I am hoping that 2010 brings change, insight, acceptance and forgiveness. I cannot expect that of a mere number; time, something Man created. (MEN! Hmph.) I have to make it happen. Will it to happen. Whichever.

Here I sit, in my new kitchen, at my new table, looking out my new windows (through my new curtains), pondering the new life ahead of me.

I miss my girls. I am most upset, at the moment, that they have been taken away from me for half the week. I will not fight this, as I still think Jason is a great father and for the girls' best interest, they need him in their lives. I still get more overall time with them, and more full days than he does. But when I sit here, alone, in this empty house... my heart aches. A little bit because I've been dumped by someone I cherished with the entire depth of my soul... but more because I miss those 2 little angels that are my daughters. I miss their hugs, their voices, their giggles, their banter. Their snuggles, their warmth, and the fullness they bring to a home.

I feel like a big piece of me will always be missing, but hopefully in time having my girls, family and friends around will help fill that gap.

And just like that...

Before you read this post, I urge you to go back and read the previous one first.

Ready?
Okay.


It's been two weeks since Jason asked for a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but just the way he said it... I knew he was sure. I am still confused as hell about WHY exactly he wants one. He used the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. He said he saw us hating each other in five years. But he gave no explanation as to why he feels this way. I've lost a lot of respect for him because he was so vague in his reasoning and none of those reasons should merit something as serious and consequential as a DIVORCE, especially with 2 children involved -- one as little as 5 months old. I feel he was extremely hasty in his decision and will regret it seriously down the road. But the damage has been done; the words have been uttered.

I'm deeply hurt and fear I always will be. I thought we were great together and only getting better. After my last post, we had a talk and silly me - I actually thought we were working things out and making our marriage stronger. If only he had told me he was feeling differently a LONG time ago...

I truly believed if he would have been honest about his feelings and willing to talk to me, we would have been a wonderful couple for life. He fooled a lot of people. Not only was I completely blown away by his sudden announcement, so was everyone else we knew. He certainly put forth a lot of effort on this charade, for a long time.

I will always love him as my daughters' father, and I will always want him back in a small way. But I'll know it's not the REAL him I want back - just the guy he fooled me into loving. I feel so used and misled. My emotions are pretty hot & cold these days; I have had my share of ups and downs in this short time.

In only 2 weeks, and over Christmas I might add, I've gotten my own house, completely moved, and became a single mother of two. If he changes his mind, it will be too late. My heart is broken for the first time. He was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.

Cycle.

I'm not gonna lie, I have been feeling pretty down lately.

That's my excuse for not blogging.

Jason has been super involved in this indie film project (in Detroit), and adding that to him already having a full-time job out of town, we rarely see each other. I feel like I've supported him tremendously, but he feels like I haven't. I'm not really sure where we strayed from being on the same page.

Sure, he is gone a lot. And yeah, it's really tough on me to be home playing housewife and mommy all by myself. My only issue is that he doesn't seem to understand the load that has been put on me. He says he is doing this because he wants to go far with an acting career and be able to support the family with this career one day. That's great. I just want him to realize what I am sacrificing to make it possible, and maybe show a little appreciation.

I offered to do a free photoshoot for the cast of the film. I needed a challenge and to add to my portfolio, so it seemed like a perfect fit. I was still happy to do it, but I didn't expect it to end up costing as much money as it did when things are already pretty tight. Not to mention all the gas he has to pay for traveling back and forth to Detroit, and this is a pro-bono gig for him. I just hope it pays off in the long run. Our only issue is not money - in fact that is the least of our worries. It just adds to the stress. Just an example of how the whole family is sacrificing for this project; he's not the only one doing all the work.

I can't emphasize enough the fact that I SUPPORT him. I want this so badly for him. All I want in return is a little respect for working as hard as I do around here to keep the loose ends tied up. Taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, helping his project with graphic design & photos, on top of having a "day job," it's tough for me. I don't want a round of applause at the end of the day but a simple "hey, you're pretty awesome" once in a while would do the trick.

I happen to think I'm a great catch, but he's been showing me that he feels otherwise lately. I just love him so much, I want him to see ME and who I truly am, rather than seeing this mask his subconscious has created for me. I am not the whiny, selfish wife he thinks I am and I don't know what else I have to do to prove it.

Love You Forever

Sofia (5 months old on December 10) has become much more exploratory. She has started reaching out for things and very gently, tenderly investigating with her hands.



She is in love with the sunshine on her exersaucer.

This morning, I stood her up on the couch (which is extremely ugly without the slipcover). She just stood there, leaning against the back cushion, rubbing and staring and picking at the texture.



I'm starting to remember how fun this age is. The world is so new and exciting to babies, and everything is so fascinating to them. When Sofia was still an 8 lb. newborn and starting to outgrow her first outfits, I was almost devastated at the fact that she would never be that small again. But now I'm over it, remembering how fun the first milestones are. The whole first year is just amazing, and I'm excited to be living in it one last time.

Little Girl Blue

Can't take this kid anywhere.



This is one serious reflux baby. I can't believe that, at 4 months, she weighs 13 pounds. I'm surprised she's gained any weight since birth, with the amount she spits up. If I had to estimate, I would say that over time she spits up at least 1/3 of each bottle she drinks. It just keeps coming out, periodically, throughout the entire day.

We finally broke down and put her on Zantac a week ago. Tiegan was a reflux baby (although, if memory serves, not this bad) and was on Zantac as well. For Tiegan, it worked within a few days. We have yet to see a result with Sofia.

I wash her blankets every day. I do at least 2 batches of laundry a day, full of baby clothes, bibs, burp rags, my OWN clothes that have all been spit up on... and other than routine cleaning, I do an extra sinkful of teethers and binkies every day. I must say this is one mom that is no longer phased by baby puke.

I am hoping the Zantac starts working soon. She really doesn't seem to be pained by it, but that doesn't mean anything. It's still damaging her esophagus, and once she gets teeth, it will damage them too. If the Zantac ends up not working, I'm sure it's not reflux that's the problem - it's her hypertonicity. Her muscles are always on overdrive. She always wants to stand straight up. We have to actually force her to bend at the hips to sit down in her swing, bumbo seat, etc.
Poor kid.

But... ain't she purdy? :)

Gettin' my Hurr did.

Every year about this time, I spring for darker hair. I just think it's more appropriate for fall & winter. Don't know why, but it's always worked out for me.

Last year it was short & shaggy.


This year it's grown out quite a bit. I feel like it's been growing so slowly, but now that I see how much more hair I have in just 1 year... I guess it wasn't that slow after all.


Has anyone ever tried the Tousle me Softly products? Do they work?

5 Minutes

So, I think we're going to find a new pediatrician.

Our girls' doctor is always so rushed. We had a checkup appointment for both of them the other day. It was for Sofia's 4-month well check, and to re-check Tiegan's right ear (which had a negative pressure reading last time, and he thought she might need tubes).

He asked if I had any questions/concerns about the girls after giving them the once-over, and of course I had a couple things I wanted to bring up. Nothing severe... just normal questions any mother would bring up at a well-check. Sofia's spitting up, for example. I wanted to get her on Zantac. No big deal, right? I was also curious about her being hypertonic (stiff muscles, arching back, "standing" when trying to put her down to sit). These are all fairly normal questions that aren't urgent or pressing enough to merit another separate appointment.

At first, he was calmly discussing these things with me, and then he interrupted, saying that he only had a 10-minute time slot for my girls (as if we just walked in at the last second and didn't schedule our appointment WEEKS in advance?) and said we had to hurry. With every word, I felt like he was pushing me forward and edging out the door.

At our last appointment before this, where we waited THREE HOURS, I remember him coming in and apologizing that it took so long. He said he wanted to make sure every patient got the answers and attention they need, and the last patient took more time than usual. So, that last patient was more important than my girls? Hmm?

When he talks, I feel like I need to breathe for him because he is so rushed. I do think he could be a good doctor, but he probably just has more patients than he can handle, which makes him less able to pay proper attention to everyone. I understand there is a timeline to go by, and I don't expect to take all day with him. I'm not greedy. I just expect proper care for my daughters. Ya know, maybe more than 10 minutes for BOTH my girls to squeeze in (that would be 5 minutes per patient).

Do you know of any doctors that expect you to come in for a 5 minute appointment? Really?

Knock 'em Down

Last night was rough.

Jason reminded me after the girls went to sleep that I had said I was going to do my Shred workout. A few days ago I was going to re-start Level 2 after taking a few days' break to let my strained foot heal. It was still painful that day, so I took a couple more days' break.

Day before yesterday, I did some walk-out pushups and some ab strength moves, but that was it. Today I planned to go full-on back into the Shred.

And I did. Full on. By the time I was 3/4 through, I was taking 5 second breaks which I don't usually do. I HAD to. I was pushing myself as hard as I could, and believe me, I was not just being a wimp. I was 2 seconds away from puking. Before I took my break, Level 2 was practically a breeze for me! I couldn't believe this was happening. Jason was in the next room, occasionally looking in on me and asking me if I was okay. HAHA. Talk about embarrassing.

Usually when I'm done, I will sit outside for a few minutes and drink some water while I cool off. This time, I went straight upstairs and laid face-down on the bathroom floor.

Have you ever been drunk to the point where you were saying you would NEVER drink again? This is exactly how I felt. I was dizzy, felt like my head wasn't on straight, and was extremely nauseated. I'm not really sure how long it took for that feeling to go away, because after a few minutes when I managed to peel myself off the bathroom floor, I took my shoes off and plopped right into bed. ZONK.

Hopefully today will be better. The good news is, I've lost a total of 8 lbs since the beginning, and am down to 112!

Climbing Out of a Rut

Yesterday I met up with a friend to do some portraits for fun. I have been in a photography rut and felt the need to bust out.

There is an area of Jackson that I hadn't yet explored, and now I really like it for photos. It's a little scary though, and I thought we were going to get busted for trespassing when a cop drove by and we heard him stop and start to back up again. But all was well, and he was just stopping to make sure we were safe because it was a pretty sketchy area of town. Next time I might want to go with a bodyguard, because I'm pretty sure we witnessed a drug deal go down. Ahh the adventures of a photographer!

Here are some of my favorite shots of Julie from our session.



Now it's time to revel in my Monday off. I'll probably get all crazy and put clean laundry away. I know, my life is a never-ending adventure!

3 Day Weekends and Scrooge Himself

I am happy to say my work schedule is changing.

Not that I didn't like it before, but I will like it even better now. I was on an 8am-1pm schedule every weekday, but now I will have Mondays off and longer hours the rest of the 4 weekdays to make up for it.

When I was working until 1pm, I always felt like I was leaving things undone and I wasn't ready to go yet. We are usually much busier in the afternoon, and I prefer being occupied. There are few things I dislike more than sitting at my desk, twiddling my thumbs and counting the minutes as they pass.

Now, I will probably feel more satisfied with my work when I leave. And also a plus: 3 day weekends! I think I will probably feel more closure to my weekend and will be more ready to face the work week this way. Win-win.

Also, Tiegan will still be going to her grandma's on Mondays. She has dance class on Monday evenings, and Judy keeps her and takes her, since she's the one that splurged on it and has all of T's leotards and dance shoes at her house. So we don't want to mess up that schedule, and I want Judy to be able to keep all that stuff at her house. I think Tiegan really enjoys that special thing they have together, anyway. I don't want to take it away from her. They usually go out to eat after dance, which I don't think I could swing every week anyway. We can have our own special little things, just mother & daughter. And I will have to work harder at that, now that Sofia and I have Mondays to ourselves every week.

In other news...

I haven't really gotten into the Christmas spirit yet. I've barely even gotten myself geared up for Thanksgiving. You would think I'd be the opposite, since I've been designing Christmas-themed ads for the newspaper for the past month now.

Don't mean to sound like I'm placing blame, but I think a little bit of it has to do with Jason's attitude toward the holiday season. He HATES going shopping (for anything... even a quick in-and-out stop for one or two grocery items). He says it's because of all the stupid people that come out of the woodwork this time of year and take up precious aisle space at the store. Oh, and not to mention the people that bump into other people they know and crowd the middle of the aisle with their carts while they stand there and chat about the last 5 years of their lives... in everyone's way.

I completely agree with him - I can't stand that. But there's nothing we can do to change it. We can only change the way we react to it. I have been trying to help him with this... but when he gets in a bad mood, all you can really do is just step out of his path and not let it bother you. After 4 years of marriage, I've become pretty skilled at this. :)

Over His Head

I'm pretty sure my attitude yesterday was the result of a deadly combination of stress and hormones. S'all good now.

That said, I wanted to write about something else that has been bothering me: Short jokes.

Not about me, but about my husband.

He must either not be bothered by them, or can hide it really well. People make short jokes about him all the time and he laughs along. I know he realizes you have to be able to laugh at yourself in life, but it worries me that someday it will really get to him.

Maybe it's because I've known him for so long, but he doesn't seem THAT short to me. He's my height - 5'1". It's not like he's "little people" status. He doesn't get a handicapped parking sticker. The worst it gets for him is that it's hard to find pants that aren't too long, and navigating his way through a tall crowd can be a little tough. The same problems I have.

I can understand a little teasing. It's only natural. For someone just meeting him for the first time, it can be a little surprising. But for people to incessantly hound, research new short jokes, and push push push... I really hope he doesn't break one day. He doesn't deserve all the flack he gets about it - especially for it being something he can't help.

I suppose it's because I love him so much that it pisses me off when people make the jokes. Only thing is - I can't say anything, because then they'd just make fun of the fact that his wifey stands up for him. Ha!

Hormones and Garbage.

Do any of you ever feel like you are always behind on housework? There is always something that could use improvement? There is never enough time to keep up with it on a daily basis?

This is my typical day.

6am- get up, get ready for work. Get the girls ready to go.
7:15am- Jason takes the girls to grandma's, heads to work.
7:30am- I leave for work.
Sometime between 1pm-2pm - I get out of work.
2pm- get home from work, do my 20-minute workout.
2:30pm- pick up the girls, chat at grandma's house for a little while.
3:30pm- get home, feed Sofia, fix Tiegan a snack.
4:30pm- play with Tiegan, help with her reading & workbooks.
5:30pm- start getting dinner ready.
6:30pm- Jason gets home. Feed Sofia. Serve dinner.
7pm- clean up after dinner, watch a little TV with the family & relax.
8pm- get Tiegan ready for bed. deal with tantrums.
9pm- Feed Sofia again. get her ready for bed.
9:30pm- go to bed myself. because I'm lame.

Let's not forget that intermittently throughout the day, I am doing Mommy stuff like changing diapers, changing clothes that have been spit up on, having Tummy Time with Sofia, heping Tiegan in the bathroom, cleaning up spills, refilling juice cups, etc...

There are also days when Tiegan stays at grandma's and it's just me & Sofia til Jason gets home. Those days I can relax a little bit, and even have time for housework. But the time I have is never enough, and I would always rather be snuggling Sofia or having ME time. And I think that's allowed.

It's gotten to the point, though, where there are ALWAYS things left out. This is acceptable to a certain degree. But on any given day you can come to my house and see...
Pop cans. Pop bottles. Random packaging lying around from things that were purchased and opened. Receipts. Baby clothes. Chairs full of laundry (clean or dirty) and nowhere to sit. Shoes on the living room floor. Toys. Blankets. Clean dishes on the kitchen island waiting to be put away and dirty ones next to the sink. Random clutter on the kitchen counters that belongs in a "junk drawer". Dust. Papers. Mail. Pens. Books. AAAGGGHHH.

I don't think I have been exceptionally lazy lately, so I have been asking myself WHY this is happening. I have short work days. I was working 3 weeks after I had Sofia and kept a cleaner house then, than I do now. WHY IS THAT?!

Then I figured it out. Wanna know how?

I was on my bed this afternoon playing with Sofia. I leaned over Jason's side of the bed and saw the most appalling thing on the floor. Old, crusty, rotten, expired baby bottles. Not one, not two, NOT THREE... but FOUR used baby bottles. Still with remnants of old formula in them. Let the record show that Jason's side of the bed is near the wall and I rarely ever see over there, or I would have caught this much sooner.

How did I not smell this? How did HE not get up EVERY MORNING for the past... oh, I don't know... 2 weeks? and walk right past those dirty bottles and think "Hey, maybe I should pick those up on my way downstairs and drop them off in the sink."

I wouldn't even mind dirty baby bottles sitting in the sink as if to say, "Hey, wife, you need to wash these." At least that shows a little effort. But no. Maybe he thought they would just disappear one day. Is that what husbands think happens? All the dust and clutter and dirty dishes in the house just magically disappear once every couple weeks?

As you can probably tell, I'm a little ticked. Not about the baby bottles, but the attitude that was taken toward them. And about the dirty laundry sitting not in the laundry basket but on the floor about 1 foot away from the hamper. And about the overflowing garbage. And this and that - little things around the house.

For a while, Jason was really wonderful at helping me out around the house. His tasks have always been minimal to begin with, and I'm okay with that. But that makes it extra noticeable when those minimal tasks start going undone. When we got back together last year, we vowed to be more helpful with each other. And because I'm a "put yourself in the other's shoes" kind of person, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out where I could be more helpful to him so that this can be more of a 2-sided issue of improvement. But I just can't think of anything.

I've been supportive of all his creative endeavors, whether successful or not (this recent one being successful). I say "it's okay" and take care of things that he has forgotten about. I am understanding when he over-spends on going out to lunch at work and I have to skimp on gas in my car because of it. I just can't think of anything I've been doing wrong to help offset the blame.

I must say that we are a very different couple than most. We are understanding of each other's faults and typical husband-wife quarrels seem silly and pointless to us. In fact, I couldn't care less if he just stopped taking out the garbage forever. I live here too, I make garbage too, and I'm happy to take it out myself. I guess what I'm most upset about is that we had an agreement to help each other keep our sanity. When all you have to do is pick up your trash behind yourself so that you don't leave a trail, the simple act of neglecting to do your chores leaps over the fence from laziness and lands square in the boundary of disrespect. When that happens, I feel like I'm turning into a slave.

Or maybe I'm just PMS-ing.

Back in Time

Got this survey from Nicole... some questions & answers about my time in high school :)

1. Did you date someone from your school? Yeah, I had quite a few boyfriends in high school. They were mostly from my school, except for Jason when we dated for a while at first - he was a college boy ;)

2. What kind of car did you drive? None, until after I graduated.

3. What was the most embarrassing moment of HS? When this guy I dated (turned out to be a huge waste of my time) spread some awful rumors about me.

4. Were you a party animal? Not really. In fact I can't remember going to one party.

5. Were you considered a flirt? A little bit.

6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Do I have to answer this? Ok fine... all three.

7. Were you a nerd? Despite my above answer, no. There were tons of "cool kids" in these organizations.

8. Were you on any varsity teams? Nope.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Nope. I was threatened with a suspension but never got one.

10. Can you still sing the fight song? Ehhhh... parts.

11. Who were your favorite teachers? My humanities teacher and my band teacher.

12. Where did you sit during lunch? Usually went out for lunch, sometimes sat on the front lawn of the school, or at a cafeteria table with my best friends.

13. School mascot? Viking

14. Did you go to homecoming, and with who? I went to homecoming 2 different years, each with my boyfriend at the time - 1st one, Tommy - 2nd one, Evan.

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Nope.

16. What do you remember most about graduation? It took FOREVER. I was near the end of our 300-something class, and it was inside rather than on the football field because of weather, so it was hot, loud and crowded.

17. Where did you go senior skip day? I didn't skip. the black history tour group was singing at an assembly that day, so our authority figures guilted us into feeling like we were being racist if we skipped that day.

18. Were you in any clubs? I was on the yearbook staff, does that count? Oh god, I have nerd written all over me.

19. Have you gained some weight since then? I've had 2 kids - you take a guess.

20. Who was your prom date? I didn't go to prom. Todd and I got dressed up and went to dinner at Olive Garden that night. Looking back, I think it was more him talking me out of going to prom, rather than us agreeing not to go.

21. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? I'm not really sure. Probably not. I keep in touch with the people that matter to me, and there's Facebook... so I don't really see the point.

22. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? 2 things: I would have told myself to be less shy/nervous... and I would have made myself take the ACT/SAT and apply to colleges.

Shred Me

Several ladies I know have started this now-famous 30 Day Shred. Now we've banded together to blog about our experience with the Shred, and keep track of our measurements and weight loss. I hope to see some good before-and-after shots! Maybe this will help keep us on track, knowing we're all in it together. Some of us are at different stages in the shred, but it's still fun to hear how easy/difficult it is for other people - for comparison's sake. I don't feel like so much of a wuss now, knowing that it's just as hard for others!

Making it Happen

The Search is on.

I had this idea to build our own bed frame/headboard/footboard a long time ago, and never got around to completing the project. I love kitschy, eclectic, mismatching cottagey furniture. And this seemed to fit the bill.

It first came to mind when I saw a picture in a magazine of a big heavy wood-plank dining table with 6 completely different mis-matching dining chairs. They were all a little beat up and it just worked. It wasn't UGLY beat-up, or DIRTY beat-up... everything just looked well-loved. Lived in. Happy. Even in the photo, that room felt like home. It felt comfortable. I would hate to have a home where people would be afraid to touch anything when they visit.

I don't remember exactly how I decided I'd translate this to my bed frame; it just popped into my mind.

I'll start by collecting 6 mis-matching wooden chairs. I may have to paint them different colors and sand some edges. Three chairs will be the headboard, and three will be the footboard. And I will set them up facing each other, with 2x4's attached to the seats, running in between.

Here is a sketch I conjured up. And you will see why I never became a professional illustrator.

Obviously the 3 chairs at the footboard I didn't draw, but they will be there to hold up the other end of the bed. There will probably have to be some kind of X-beam in the middle for support. And the chairs will have to be fastened together so they don't drift apart over time.

I was thinking 3 chairs on either side would be perfect for our queen-sized bed. We'll just add another at each end if we ever upgrade to a king.

Any thoughts/ideas on how to make this work? And where to find some great used chairs with lots of character?

Foot. and Baby.

So, my mom (who is a great nurse) thinks I strained my foot. And if I do any more impact cardio while I'm still in pain, it will probably lead to a full-on sprain. Great!

Let's just say with this painful foot it's been fun getting around the house and taking care of 2 kids on my own for the few hours Jason is at work after I get home. Good thing it's Saturday - although Jason is working, hopefully it will be a laid-back day and Tiegan won't require much more than pouring her cereal, microwaving her chicken nuggets and changing the channel on the TV. I hate to have all-TV days, but it's chilly and there's not much else we can do. It's OK once in a while, right?

And Sofia -- well, she's easy. Everything she needs is right in the living room.

Speaking of Sofia. We are starting her on solids. It just doesn't seem right. It's too soon! But not really. They say you should start solid between 4-6 months, and she's 4 months old now. My little baby is eating organic applesauce! Well... just 1 spoonful a day, and 1 spoonful of rice cereal. She's growing up so fast. She's even wearing size 6-9 months clothes. She doesn't look that big to me, though. Her feet don't even touch the bottom of her exersaucer on the lowest setting.

I need some updated pictures of the girls.

This was a totally random post. I'll do better next time.

The Workout is Out.

I'm taking a few days' breather from the 30 Day Shred. I'm very sad about this. I feel like I'm going to gain all 7 lbs back, so I'm eating way more healthfully than before. At least that will make a little bit of a difference. And I was just beginning to see some noticeable changes in my body, as far as toning up goes.

Why am I quitting for a few days? The high-impact cardio began to do a BIG number on my joints. And the worst pain of all is in the TOP (yes... the TOP) of my left foot. The other day, when I finished the workout (ignoring the joint and foot pain - which was probably stupid), I noticed the top of my left foot towards the inside looked bruised and swollen. And hurt to the touch. And hurt to put weight on it. And hurt. hurt. hurt.

I know what you're about to ask, and yes, I did wear decent shoes. Good ol' Champion running shoes. If not the correct shoes for the job, better than nothing at all.

I have always had loose joints and brittle ligaments. Cool, huh. So I guess I should have consulted my doctor before beginning the Shred like the video tells me to. Oh well. Hopefully if I can't get back to it, I can find some other workout that will be just as hardcore, without injuring myself. Any ideas?

Weeeeee, it's a Wii!

Dude. We got a Wii.

Actually, we used to have one. When they first came out. But hard times fell upon us and we sold it. There weren't many games for it at the time. It was in the beginning stages, and we didn't think it'd really take off anyway. The joke was on us, I guess!

A few weeks ago we've been getting a hankerin' to get a Wii again (me, especially, because of Wii Fit). And when Jason showed Tiegan the website that lists ALLLLL the Wii games, she went nuts. Wii Cheer! Hasbro Family Game Night! Disney Princesses! Littlest Pet Shop! Cars Race-o-Rama! OMG OMG OMG!

So, not really wanting to spend extra money (that we're saving for Christmas), the other day we posted Jason's somewhat-new HP laptop for trade on Craigslist. It had stopped working a few months ago - needs a new motherboard. We have been using my old iBook g4, so at least we weren't totally out a computer.

Somebody replied within 2 days. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected. I was pretty sure the odds were slim that anyone in our city would JUST HAPPEN to have an unwanted Wii to trade for a broken laptop. But someone did, and that night, we had a Wii.

Tiegan. LOVES. it. [pictures soon].

It Burns So Good.

This woman is crazy. And that is why I love her.

I have just completed Day 11 (or, Day 1 of the excruciating Level 2) of the renowned Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I don't look anywhere near what she does, but I can see a huge improvement in my physical stamina. Also... my total weight-loss count from day 1 is up to 5 lbs! If I keep losing at this rate until the very last day, I will have lost a total of 15 lbs. Which is acceptable to me, as the big selling line for this video is a promise that you will lose up to 20 lbs by the end of the stretch.

I don't really want to lose any more than that, anyway. What I REALLY want is to tone up. Which seems to be happening.

The only downfall is the soreness. Never in my life have I been so tough on myself. I have tried so many workout regimes on my own, going by an advised plan written down on paper. Once in a while I'd throw the TV on some lame exercise show and would lazily go through the movements. I always stopped when I got tired, or made up an excuse like I had something more pressing to do.

But THIS is totally different. I know it's cheesy, but it really feels like Jillian's there in my living room kicking my ass. And I'd be ashamed of myself if I quit and let her down. Or worse yet, let myself down. She really makes you feel like you have the power to be a total Bad Ass. And I will make this self-proclamation, after Day 30.

Not only do I hope to be close to this size again someday...

... I plan to be in the best shape of my life.

That photo of me was taken about 2 weeks before I got pregnant with Sofia. So, I know it's possible to lose baby weight. I did it once. And I WILL do it again. This time, I'll do it better.

Reading!

I wore a short-sleeved shirt yesterday.
67 degrees in November. Unreal! It was much needed.

And now for the real reason I'm posting today...

I wanted to share a video of Tiegan reading. It's incredible. She's at a 2nd grade level, at age 3 (4 in February). I realize the volume on this is horrible - you're going to have to turn it waaaay up, and it's still a bit fuzzy. However, for the meantime, my only method of taking video is my cell phone.



And in case you can't understand, here is the excerpt from the book "Just a Bad Day" that she is reading.

"...to paint a picture. But my sister had left the tops off my paints, and they were all dried up. I wanted to play with my new truck, but my dad had stepped on it by accident and broken the wheel."

This is one of her easier books. You wouldn't believe the words she has surprised me with by reading all on her own:
mysterious
ghostly
acceptable
inventive
precisely

Yup. That's my girl.

one two three

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Ash
2. Wifey
3. Mommy

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Barista @ the Java Hut (used to be at Westwood mall - long gone!)
2. Price Integrity Coordinator (@ Michaels crafts)
3. Ad Designer @ Newspaper

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. My parents' house in Jackson
2. Apartments in Jackson
3. House in Michigan Center
(I've never moved out of the area)

THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. Top Gear
2. Desperate Housewives
3. Cougartown... sometimes.

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Albuquerque, NM
2. New York City, NY
3. Garden City Beach, SC

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. Capri, Italy
2. Australia
3. England

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Whole wheat toast with crunchy honey peanut butter
2. Chicken Caesar salad
3. my homemade chili

THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. SLEEPING tonight, as the girls are spending the night at grandma's!!
2. Losing 20 lbs. and feeling better about myself.
3. Seeing the look on Tiegan's face when she opens her Christmas presents... whatever they may be.

THREE ANIMALS WHO I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH
1. Ginger (my yellow lab growing up)
2. Loopy (my mom's cat)
3. Dip (the cat we had but gave to Jason's parents)

THREE THINGS I AM REALLY SCARED OF
1. Being alone in the dark
2. Touching things underwater that I can't see
3. Losing my husband or my kids
(Okay, Heather, I'm going to have to steal all 3 of your answers on this one!)

THREE FAVORITE BOOKS
1. Pencil Dancing
2. The Bell Jar
3. Why People Photograph (unfinished)

THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS
1. Keely Smith
2. Rufus Wainwright
3. Better than Ezra

THREE FAVORITE MOVIES
1. The Family Stone
2. Because I Said So
3. Wanted

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Coffee
2. Water
3. Iced Tea (unsweetened)

THREE THINGS I FIND MOST ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY
1. Self Confidence
2. Unabashed (but not immature) humor
3. Pretty eyes, long/dark eyelashes

THREE THINGS I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1. My family
2. My camera
3. The internet
(Stole Heather's answers for these 3 again)

The Good Job

I think everyone can relate to working at a job they can't stand. You might feel...
- under-appreciated (or just plain UN-appreciated)
- like your superiors don't believe in you
- like your crappy co-workers get more praise than they deserve, while you sink into the background

Raise your hand if you've ever felt that way. I know I have. And I never thought I'd see the day when I would feel exactly the opposite about my job.

My previous newspaper job was great at first. I was fresh out of high school and had a ton of responsibility. I had a Manager title and took care of a lot of clients. However, over time, it started feeling like my co-workers and superior didn't trust me. They were always questioning me; doubting my skills and ideas. They would ask me for my thoughts on what we should do about a particular marketing strategy, and when I came up with a plan, they shot it down. There were plenty of times I wish I would have just said, "You think it's so easy? Okay, YOU do it!"

I finally quit one day. And would you believe it - they begged me to come back. Twice. And I did, each time. And both times I regretted it. You'd think that they would have realized how difficult my job really was, and that it took talent. Maybe they'd start appreciating what I did for them more. But no. Nothing had changed. I quit again.

Several months went by, and I thought I could get by on photography alone. That was a joke. I had some photography gigs here and there, but not enough to pay the bills. I hunted and hunted for a job I was suited for. After submitting countless applications to no avail, I even started regretting acting all mighty and leaving the old newspaper on my high horse not 1, not 2, but 3 times. I quit searching for a while and started to feel sorry for myself. I began to wonder if I really did suck at my job.

Then, one day, my mom told me there was a job for a newspaper ad designer in the classifieds. I must have missed it that day.
I read the description. I started breathing heavily. My heart fluttered. It was PERFECT.
All my days at the old newspaper as Advertising Manager, I liked the responsibility but it was too stressful. All I wanted to do was design ads. That was my favorite part of the job. I always said I would have been happier sitting in a corner somewhere, designing newspaper ads all day.

I sent my resume. I got called back for an interview. And then another one. And then... I was hired.

It's been 7 months (minus the part where I had a baby) and I still get a little disappointed when I have to leave every day.

And that's what it's like to have a job where you're appreciated. You feel like you matter. Your superiors believe in you. You're co-workers are good people and you work on the same level with them.

Just so ya know. Jobs like that do exist. :)

Wednesday Works - Dreams of Home Improvement

I like our cute little house on the lake.

But it's exactly that. Little. And every day, it feels smaller and smaller. I am pretty sure our next step will be to buy our own home - much larger than this one. We can afford it (finally), but we will have to wait about a year until our credit is better and we can qualify for a good loan.

Until then, when we can renovate whatever our hearts desire in our OWN house... we have to make do with what we've got, which is a rental. There are several things I'd really love to spruce up to make the rest of our stay here more enjoyable, but I doubt I'll ever get to them. I'd need permission from the landlords to do what I want, and am not sure it would be worth the time/effort if we're not going to stay for a long time.

Here are some things I'd really like to work on... (there's the "Wednesday Works" coming in to play):

#1 - Kitchen Cabinets

It's painful just sharing this picture with you, let alone looking at them every day. They are in dire need of AT LEAST a fresh coat of paint. It's chipping and damaged in areas, and there is white paint splattered on the faces of some cabinets, making everything look dirty... when in reality, it's not. This picture makes them look better than they actually are, to tell you the truth. The base color is a lot more orangey in real life than in this photo, too. I would slap a fresh coat of paint on everything, and dress things up with new hardware.

#2 - First Impression

Sadly, this is the first thing you see when you come in my back door (the only entrance to the house). The stairs up to the kitchen are to the left, and the way down to my scary basement stares you right in the face. Not only is it a horrible first impression, but I have to see it every day when I come home. I would at least hang a curtain here, or paint the stairs & install a door at the bottom (if that window weren't in the way).

#3 - Wood Paneling

And plenty of it. The whole dining area is covered in this stuff, and I'd like to at least paint it. If we owned the house, I'd rip it all down. You can't see in the photo, but there are nail holes everywhere from years & years worth of tenants.

#4 - The Shower That Will Eat You Alive

This is something I learned to get used to, but with which I am growing irritated. First of all - CAN YOU SEE HOW SMALL MY BATHROOM IS? To take this photo, I slapped on the widest lens I have and am standing BETWEEN THE TOILET AND THE SINK with my back up against the wall. Also, you can see the rust through the shower door. Oh, I've scrubbed with industrial-grade rust treatment, but it just keeps coming back. So I've given up hope. Also, isn't it sad that I haven't had a bubble bath in over a year? That shower stall is just over 5 ft. tall. It's a good thing I'm short. YOU try shaving your legs in there!

So, that's not really something I can work on. But at least maybe it would be possible to knock out that linen closet and install a larger, corner-style shower? Something I'd consider if I owned the place. But I don't. So I won't.

Here's to dreams of the future!

Empty Trees and Full Promises

Looking out my window and realizing the trees are even emptier now than they were a week ago, I wonder how I'm going to get through this winter.

I really, really, really dislike winter. I could almost go so far as to say I hate it. Almost.

There are some really magical things about the season, but for the most part it's a big hassle. A downer. A waste of time. And this year, with TWO kids to bundle up and haul around. The children themselves aren't a problem. It's the snow and cold and wind that I have to wade through and protect them from, even if it's just between the driveway & the back door.

It's a good thing I have a wonderful life full of love and support. With that on my side, I can do anything.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

All Hallows Eve

Our Halloween was interesting. Tiegan has been very hot & cold on the subject, so much that I have half a mind to think she may be bipolar (she exhibits this trait in every aspect of life). OK, so I won't be that drastic - she's only 3... but it's something to keep in mind.

Last week, we grabbed a couple pumpkins from Adams Farm Market (thanks to Nicole's mentioning of the place!). They were beautiful, by the way. The day before Halloween, we carved them.

Tiegan was stoked all day. She couldn't WAIT to make jack-o-lanterns. I told her we would do it after dinner, if she ate enough. [She's a very light grazer]. We had pizza, and after about 3 bites, she asked, "OK, did I have enough of my dinner to carve pumpkins?" Since it's a special occasion, I said yes.

We went online and picked out pictures of jack-o-lanterns that we liked and I drew sketches to use as reference. She was giddy giddy giddy. She helped dry off the pumpkins as they'd been sitting in the rain. She grabbed a marker and was ready to draw. Jason and I cut off the tops of the pumpkins and started digging inside, handing Tiegan a big spoon. She was OK for the first couple scoops, but it was downhill from there.

I encouraged her to reach in with her hand.
Big mistake.

She wouldn't do it, so while she wasn't paying attention, I took her hand and touched the goo with it.

*SCREEEEEEEEEECH*

This tantrum, with full-on screaming and wailing, lasted at least 20 minutes.

I apologized over and over (which I don't usually do - normally I take the "buck up" approach) and promised I wouldn't make her touch the goo again. Then all was well with the world, and we went about our carving.

The finished products...

The next day, on Halloween itself, Tiegan couldn't wait to go over to Gram Fifi & Boppy's (my mom & dad) house to get her costume on. My mom had spent weeks sewing it, and was putting the final touches on her hat. Our plan was to spend a little while there, then visit Jason's parents and grandparents, then go home & trick or treat at a couple close neighbors' houses.

Here's the Witchy Poo herself...

She was just fine visiting family and getting candy from them, but when it came time to trick or treat at the neighbors' houses, she wanted none of it. We had to explain to her that you don't actually go IN to the strangers' houses - you just stand at their front door. I still can't figure out why she didn't want to do it, because she is really outgoing. I cannot think of one circumstance in which this girl has been shy. But little ones have ways of surprising us, so I guess that could be it.

So, we had our ups and downs, but the ups were wonderful.

We didn't dress Sofia up - just got a $5 sleeper at Target with little monsters/aliens on it. Kind of boyish, but who cares? Super cute.

I haven't really been into Halloween myself since I was a kid, but maybe next year the whole fam will dress up and do a theme. Any ideas?

See the full-size photos from this post here, at my Flickr site.

On making the world go 'round.

A couple days ago, Jason & I had our first cross words with each other in a loooooong time.
(I'm talking months.)

It was bedtime, and Tiegan was in the living room throwing a fit. Waterworks and everything. It was my night with Sofia so I took her up to bed and put her down. I came back to the living room and knelt down next to Jason, putting my head on his shoulder. I took a deep breath, and he cut me off in a curt tone -- "just go to bed and I'll deal with this."

I told him he didn't have to have an attitude. He told me I didn't have to come down and complain about the noise Tiegan was making. He assumed I was putting my head on his shoulder in frustration as if to say, "Please make her be quiet so I can go to sleep."

What he didn't realize is, I was actually about to say, "Okay I've got Sofia to bed now. What can I do to help?"

So I stormed upstairs, while snapping at him about trying to read my mind. Or something.

So really, obviously a silly little quarrel.

Once he had finally gotten Tiegan calmed down and in bed, he came into our room to talk about what we said. We both explained what we meant and that we hadn't intended to be rude to each other... and agreed the whole thing was silly.

And that was that. And we went to sleep happy, in each other's arms.

Never go to bed angry. Always communicate about problems. Embrace each other through tough times. Stay close, yet give each other space when needed. These are things that have gotten us through the tough times. That, and the fact that our beliefs and ideals as far as marriage is concerned are so much alike.

I rejoice every day in the fact that I have such a beautifully functioning family, and that our house is bursting with love.

Here's To Sticking With It

I'm proud to say that I have started the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred and have every intention of sticking with it until the end. I felt like I was coughing my stomach out after I was done with the simple 20-minute workout yesterday, but today was much smoother. I have fallen in love with breaking a sweat.

It's true, what workout-aholics say... it's a great rush and finishing a good, grueling workout actually makes you want more.

I am on day 2 and my legs feel like Jell-O, but my pants are fitting better already. And my tops? Well, I'll probably see more of a change in that area in a few years when I've saved up for my tummy tuck.

Work Out Kid

Help! I haven't been quite as strict on my at-home fitness regime as I'd hoped to be.

Oops.
Big oops.

I was going to be really hard on myself - like, put myself through boot camp to get back in shape. But, once again, I have slacked off and let myself down. It's hard to admit I need someone else to kick my ass into shape, and that I don't have the guts. But here I am, admitting it. That's the first step, right?

All it took was me trying on my 2-sizes-bigger-than-pre-pregnancy jeans 3.5 months after giving birth and STILL not being able to pull them up over my thighs. Goodbye, carbs!

So... does anyone know of a way to find some great at-home fitness tips? I don't have the money for a gym membership, and there aren't many good shows on the Fit channel during the times I can exercise.

Push Through

I thought I had done a great job in avoiding this sickness that's been going around. Nearly everyone I know has been sick and gotten over it, so I thought I was in the clear.

Boy, was I wrong! Despite the frequent hand-washing, avoiding touching my face, washing and re-washing sheets & pillowcases, some sort of bug has decided to unpack its bags and set up shop in my immune system. Which is just great, because I have a weak immune system. Make yourselves comfortable, nasty bugs, because you're gonna be here for a while.

I don't feel too horrible (yet), but last night I was up with a migraine caused by the congestion. Thankfully the migraine is gone now, but I had to take the day off work. My first sick day since maternity leave. I can't help but think there should have been something I could do - I should have pushed myself harder and gone to work anyway. Even though I know there is no way in hell I would have been able to stare at a computer monitor for 5 hours without puking, I still feel guilty. Why is that?

In happier news, I was able to record video (on my cell phone - hence crappy quality) of Sofia's first laughter the other day. It was uplifting to say the least. Something so uninhibited and genuinely happy... it made my day. My week, really.

I've Got Answers

Outside my window... I see lights from faraway houses reflecting on the calm lake between us.

I am thinking... about going to bed soon, and that it's been such a long time since I've had an evening massage. Having 2 children really changes things.

I am thankful for... having a family that works as a team. We talk out our problems and we work through our rough patches logically - whether they be emotional, financial, parental or otherwise. I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to be married to a sweet, loving, and understanding person with whom I have so much in common.

In my kitchen... the cabinets are screaming for some paint and the appliances ache to be replaced. I could really use a dishwasher, too, but I won't get greedy.

I am wearing... grey athletic pants, a green tank, and Jason's WMU hoodie.

I am creating... a comfortable, clean home for my family. It's a daily work in progress which will probably never end.

I am going... to force myself to be more motivated in the exercise department. A little cardio every day will be good for me, and I feel better when I'm more active - which will hopefully result in getting back down to my pre-pregnancy size.

I am reading... Touch Points by Dr. Brazelton. Re-reading, actually. Highly recommended to parents of children 3 and under.

I am hoping... we are able to get a Wii sometime in the next few months. Our family deserves it, and I think it would be fun for Tiegan & help her to feel included. Also, the Wii Fit would really help me with the weight/fitness issue I have.

I am hearing... The race on TV, the dull roar of the furnace from the basement, and Jason snoring on the couch.

Around the house... are random items lying around and bare walls that do not reflect my personality whatsoever. I believe you can learn a lot about someone from their home, but from mine, you would get the wrong impression of me.

One of my favorite things right now... is being with my family. I spend plenty of time with the girls, but what I really love is when Jason is home for the weekend. Not only do I enjoy our leisure time together, I also get some help from him with the girls so I can get housework done.

A few plans for the weekend... Lounging around and enjoying our last day off before the start of the new work week. Maybe going out and grabbing a few pumpkins for us to carve - nothing fancy.

A picture to share...

The view from my front yard. This is what I see out my living room sliding door every day. Another thing that hardly ever fails to put a smile on my face.

The New Sarah Bernhardt

Sometimes I feel like I have the smartest, most well-mannered 3.5 year old on Earth.
She says "please" and "thank you" most of the time.
She offers a helping hand when chores need to be done.
She is learning to read and write at an incredible rate.
She is sweet and helpful with her baby sister.
She reminds me & Jason (when she's not mad at us) that she loves us THIIIISSSSS much.
When asked to help, she usually jumps on the task with excitement.

Other times, I feel like I have the most ill-behaved 3.5 year old on Earth.
This is an exaggeration, I'm sure, but I can't describe how quickly I've been losing my patience with her lately. Several days in a row now, I've had to resort to sending her to her room until she's calmed down. This is a new development. I'm not used to having to be such a disciplinarian. I can't say I love the job, but it is exactly that.

She melts down about the littlest things. Usually it's about making her do something she didn't want to, or making her stop doing something she was enjoying. And then once she's upset, she eggs herself on by finding other little things to whine (scream uncontrollably) about.

Example: The other day I put her in her room after a good solid hour of her screaming and crying about... well, I really don't remember, to be honest. After 10 minutes she herself has forgotten what the original problem was.
So, she was in her room forcing herself to make awful noises and grunts and whines so the tears would keep flowing. I stood outside her door, listening:
"WHY are my SANDALS up here in my ROOOoOoOooOooOOOOOMMMM-uh???" (repeat x3)
"I didn't WANT my nightlight onnnNNNNnNnNNNNnn-uh!!!" (repeat x5)
"I want my MOMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!" (repeat x3)
So, I finally take a deep breath, and go in to check on her.
"NO - Get out of my room, I'm MAD at you!"

Drama. Queen.

She's lucky she's pretty.

I Blame it On The Hormones.

My warm, soft little baby is growing bigger by the second and there's nothing I can do about it! AAAHHH!! My worst nightmare!

Thankfully she still loves to snuggle. I can only hope she won't outgrow that too soon. I need it. On the other hand, though, I don't want to rely on her too much to always be my baby. The dreaded fate of the youngest child.

I do admit I look forward to all the adorable (and amazing) 1st-year milestones. So much happens in those 12 short months. I have promised myself not to let that time fly past me unrecognized. It will be gone forever before I know it, and I will miss cradling this soft, snuggly, warm baby in my arms.

A little bit of this and that.

Here comes the "I need to blog more often but don't have much to say" post. The one where I list the random unimportant things that have been on my mind just to get a post out there, for fear of totally losing my will to blog.

• My headaches have become more frequent. Thankfully they've only been more of a nuisance; not quite paralyzing like usual.
• Jason got his first set of contacts the other day, and has been spending at least 1 hour on them in the morning, and another hour before bed. It's cute. I love that I can see his gorgeous eyes and enormous lashes now.
• I have really been wanting a sewing machine. I always make these promises to myself that I will be more crafty, will recycle/refurbish fabrics more often, but I never do. Now I just have to decide what I'd rather have when the money comes my way - a new Blackberry, a Wii, or a sewing machine?
• Desperate Housewives is my crack. I am so addicted. A couple weeks ago I started watching reruns on Lifetime at 3pm every day after work. Then I missed a couple episodes and thought I'd see if I could find a place to watch them online. Once I was caught up again (still season 1), I didn't want to stop. I now watch eps on the laptop every evening and have no idea what I'm going to do when I'm all caught up to the current episodes and have to wait a WHOLE WEEK between shows. (That is where the sewing machine or Wii could come in handy).
• I still really, really like my job. I can't stress enough how enjoyable it is to work at a place where I'm trusted and respected as an equal. It really feels like a team effort. As some of you who may have followed my writing in the past, you know that this is a huge improvement from my last newspaper job. Plus, it's kind of fun looking through the newspaper and being able to tell your friends, "See that full-page ad? I designed it!"
• I'm dreading winter. I know so many people say this, but I'm really - REALLY dreading it. For a lifetime Michigander, I sure do hate the cold more than you'd think. I've never been diagnosed but I think I may have SAD (aka Seasonal Affective Disorder). During the colder months I am not only irritable but unmotivated, cranky and borderline depressed. I have no energy and I feel clumsy. And it doesn't help that my hair turns to straw and my skin to sandpaper when the temperature drops below 50. The only things that get me through are the excitement of seeing Tiegan play in the snow, and of course cute boots on sale. Anyone out there feel the same? I hope we get one last kick of warmish weather before the Earth starts to freeze.
• My mom is making Tiegan's halloween costume. I saw a draft yesterday. I'm so stoked to show everyone photos after Halloween - hopefully she enjoys wearing it! It will be really special because my Mom always made our Halloween costumes as kids, and we still have them to this day. I plan on keeping the ones she makes for my daughters, too, so they can pass them down.

Time to pick up Sofia. Tiegan has dance class on Monday evenings, which Grandma Judy takes her to. She has so much fun there. I'm glad she's able to have that outlet. But since I'm not there, I really wonder how she behaves. Not that it's a huge concern, but lately she has been very emotional/whiny. Really, since Sofia was born. I am starting to see the connection. Hm....

To Pay or Not to Pay

I will preface this by saying I don't know much about insurance. Any form of insurance.

Like, the most I know about insurance is that you pay a certain monthly amount based on your history and likelihood of disaster, and if a disaster should happen, the insurance company will pay a portion of your bills to fix said disaster.

We just got a new car a few months ago. When we got the new car, we switched to Progressive for both cars.

Now, they are telling us that they decided to charge an extra $30/month because Jason doesn't have health insurance. Oh, and by the way, they are going to need that same $30/month for the last 3 months, upfront for the next bill. Next week.

Why in the world would they decide that NOW? And why in the world would they suddenly spring it on us that they are charging us retroactive for the past 3 months? And WHY in the world does it even MATTER if he has health insurance or not? They didn't bring it up when we acquired this plan 3 months ago. It wasn't part of the application process. I'm not sure I understand why they suddenly changed their minds.

I am of the opinion that one would tend to drive more carefully if they don't have health insurance. Because hospital bills are a lot harder to pay without health insurance. And vehicle insurance companies like to see you driving safely so that you don't get in a crash. So they don't have to pay for your car to get fixed. So they can keep all your money like the greedy bloodsuckers they are.

Right?

Contents Under Pressure

I think the wee one might be cutting a tooth already. She's only 2 months old! OK... 2 and a half... but still, what babies have you known to cut teeth that soon? I'm trying to remember when Tiegan's first tooth popped through, and I'm thinking it was around 4-5 months. Everyone's different I guess.

My first clue was that Sofia has been chomping on her fingers lately, and is flooding the house with drool. When Jason brought the girls home from his grandma's today, he said Judy mentioned she thinks Sofia's teething. Now knowing I'm not the only one having those thoughts, I stuck my finger in there and felt around for myself. I can't be certain but it feels like there's a tooth just aching to poke out on the top. She gleefully chewed on a cold, wet washcloth this evening. So, we'll see.

Gosh, it's a little sad that the most exciting story I have to tell you is that my baby chewed on a washcloth today. You are all so riveted, I just know it!

I did have a migraine today. Life-leeching, evil monstrosities are what they are.

Thankfully I don't get them very often anymore (as a kid I would get at least one per week). But when I do, I'm down for the count. When I feel one coming on, please hole me up in a cool, dark, quiet room with a comfy bed, an ice pack, a puke bucket and lots of pain killers for 6 hours and maybe - just MAYBE - I will come out of it not wanting to jab a fork in my eye. Oh, and don't forget the cell phone for calling 911 because I'm positive that nothing in the world (besides giving birth) could ever be this painful and I'm absolutely GOING TO DIE if I vomit one more time. Because 17 isn't enough. And why don't we throw in a lung, for good measure. You don't need both of them, right?

I have endless sympathy for those that experience the same thing. That kind of misery should be reserved solely for those who commit terrible crimes. Screw the death penalty - give them migraines!

Hibernate.

Today has been a perfect hibernation day, which is exactly what I've been doing (since I got out of work, of course). Sofia & I had a nice little nap together on the couch. It's windy as hell, and there's a chilly rain coating the town. That sound is wonderful. I turned off the TV and we let the wind and the rain shhhhh us to sleep.

My schedule has been shifted. I used to work 9am-2pm, but now I work 8am-1pm. Such a small change, but what a big difference it makes in my life. When I leave work, I feel like I've already done so much... but I still have the entire day left ahead of me. Even though I don't get as much sleep, I feel like my days have been stretched out for me and that's heaven sent.

Now if only I could actually muster the motivation to use all that precious time given to me for things like cleaning & laundry, it would be top notch around here. Trying not to feel guilty for things like... oh, say, afternoon naps on the couch with my 2 month old baby. I could be cleaning, but is that better than snuggling a baby?

That's what I thought.

In another random thought process...
I decided my next big-ish purchase will be a digital video device. Since the disappearance of my mini camcorder, I have really been feeling awful about not capturing any video in the past year - especially Sofia's birth and newborn-ness. It really hit me the other day when Tiegan read her first book, cover to cover ON HER OWN, that we are missing precious milestones here.

So, it might take a couple paychecks to save up the extra money, but I am trying to decide between a Flip Mino or a standard point-&-shoot camera that takes good video clips. We wouldn't really record for long periods of time, so either of these would be perfect. I already have the digital SLR for still photos, but it's quite a brick to lug around when we have both kids and just want snapshots during our outings. That's why I'm thinking maybe a point-&-shoot, that way we have another option for photos as well as videos when we're on the go.

Photo quality is key, though.

So... photographer buds... any suggestions?

Meditate.

Things I Cannot Take For Granted, Ever:

• Having a washer/dryer, especially with a baby in the house.
• Drawn-out hugs.
• Jugs of ice-cold drinking water at the ready.
• Having over 200 channels on TV.
• Time to myself & the use of headphones in the evening.

That last one is really what prompted this entry. This evening I went to pandora.com and plugged in. At night after the girls have gone to sleep, and Jason is usually either watching a movie or playing video games, it's the perfect time for me to retreat deep into my own mind. And that's just what I can do when I crank up the volume so my music is literally all I can hear. For a little while each evening, it's just me and my thoughts. And even though I cherish time spent with my family, I value that retreat I'm able to have every day.

It's a place where I can rescue my sanity. I can think about how I can improve upon myself tomorrow. About how I feel, and why I feel that way. Or maybe I can think about nothing at all for a change.

One [Little] Happy Family

I could just kick myself for the number of times I've picked up my camera in the past few weeks. I don't know if I've lost the inspiration, or I get so busy and plum forget.

But the girls were being too cute to forget last night...

(Smiling at her Daddy)

Tiegan has this thing where she can't take a serious or nice picture with me. Every time I turn the camera around to take a picture of us together, she makes a goofy face. So I guess I just have to play along, and it can be our thing.

Speaking of things I should be doing more often (like taking pictures), I need to be taking the girls out more. These gorgeous early-autumn days are not going to last long and I want to take advantage. I'm fully capable of taking them places on my own, but it really helps to have Jason around. Not to mention it's nice to spend time together as a family (of 4!! I'm still in shock).

J has been really interested in acting lately. He's slated to start shooting an indie film in a couple of weeks, and has lined up several more auditions. This will monopolize his weekends for a long time. I'm so happy that he is getting the chance to do something he really enjoys, but I'm also a little disappointed that it means less time with me & the girls. The guy deserves a break, though. He has worked so hard every day to keep our family happy & healthy, and is always looking for ways to improve upon himself. So instead of looking at his film hobby as taking away from his family time (and subsequently becoming jealous of said hobby), I will remember that it means more quality time for ME & the girls.

Speaking of which, I can really, really relate to Heather Armstrong's latest blog entry. I mean - even if you're not a MommyBlog reader, you should still follow this chick. She's an amazing writer and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that sometimes I've been a couple minutes late leaving for work because I just couldn't pull myself away from my Blog Reader in the morning when she's written a good, long, juicy entry.

This afternoon we're taking Tiegan to get her blood drawn. They will be testing for allergies. That's better than the 20-pokes-in-the-back-and-lie-still-for-an-hour method, but I still cringe at the thought of someone sticking a needle in my little girl's arm. I'm trying to think of something that we can do afterward to lift her spirits. I'm open to suggestions.

4 & Going Strong.

For our 4th anniversary, Jason and I left the girls with his parents from Saturday to Sunday. It was my first night away from Sofia, which was verrry strange. We left early in the morning Saturday, dropped the girls off, and headed up to Gladwin, MI for a little R&R at J's parents' camper. They have a little property up there near Pratt's lake and they just keep their 5th wheel up there year-round.

We spent most of the day Saturday just dinking around downtown Gladwin and skipped over to Bay City for a little while, too.

It's a good thing I picked up a catalog of attractions in Bay City while we were at a rest stop on the way up North, because I found this cool little car museum we probably never would have found from just driving/walking around town. I love finding things we can both enjoy. Car museums and arcades are at the top of the list. Believe it or not, we both kinda dig antique stores too, which there are PLENTY of in that area.

We found a sweet Bel Air that we fell in love with. If we ever run into a huge amount of money, we'd love to collect cars - this being one of them.


And this one, which has been one of my loves for quite some time (any guesses?)


We found this antique store in Bay City which claims to be the biggest antique store in Michigan. Pretty cool. There was toonnnssss of architectural salvage, and a whole room with practically nothing but old street signs. Piles of them.



We found a "Smith St." but didn't buy it because it was attached to another one. Boo hoo.

And more...



We brought a slew of movies with us to watch on the laptop if we happened to get bored in the camper at night.



We did get bored. However, there was only enough power provided by the marine battery we brought with us to power the lights - not the electrical outlets. So we played a few games of Yahtzee and called it a night.

Snuggling up with Jason in bed, I found myself getting really homesick. I was surprised. Up until this point, I was really glad to have had a nice little getaway from the Real World. But there I was, missing my bed at home and the whirr of my fan and the breeze off the lake and the grunts of my 2 month old wiggling around in the bassinet and the whispers of my 3 year old asking me to take her to the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the morning.

We did finally fall asleep, though, after very briefly considering packing up and driving all the way home at 10pm (a 3 hour drive) just because we missed it so much. Yeah. THAT much.

As expected, my internal clock woke me up at 3am, when Sofia usually wants her night-time bottle. It was strange waking up to complete silence. Lonely.

We packed up and left at about 7am the next morning. We stopped for breakfast at Blue Moon Cafe once we were back in town and picked up the girls. It was like I hadn't seen them in weeks. I didn't miss them so much that it ruined my weekend. We still had a pretty fabulous day & night to ourselves (although Mother Nature had to visit me just in time for us to leave town - THANKS, APPRECIATE IT!!).

Catching Up

The girls both had doctor's appointments last week - Tiegan's 3.5 yr, and Sofia's 2 month checkup.



We ended up spending 3 ridiculously long hours at the pediatrician's office, catching up on the past year of Tiegan's life, and the past 2 months of Sofia's, because she hadn't been seen since birth (long story - some other time).

The overall outcome of the appointment is that they're both pretty healthy, but there are some things to check out & keep an eye on. Sofia is the picture of health except for a tiny bit of a heart murmur. Tiegan has had one since birth, too. These are generally benign and go away on their own, but given a family history of serious heart defects, we need to keep a close eye on them. It runs in Jason's maternal side as far back as he knows. His grandmother has had valve replacement, and he and his mother were born with defective valves. We are still coming to terms with the fact that he will have to have open heart surgery at some point in his life, and has already been hospitalized at ages 23 and 25. He had a friend that dropped dead on a softball field because of this same valve malfunction. So, I'm totally OK with being a nervous nellie and keeping a close eye on their hearts from an early age so we know their athletic limits. They both have appointments with a University of Michigan cardiologist next month.

Tiegan had negative pressure in her right ear and failed a hearing test, which explains why she is always turning her head to listen to people/tv/music etc. The pediatrician thinks it may be due to inflamed sinus cavities from allergies, and put her on daily Claritin. If that doesn't reduce the swelling in her head, then she will need tubes in her ears. We'll find out in 1 month if the Claritin has done its job. Cross your fingers.

Tiegan had 1 vaccination and Sofia had 3. They were both hilarious. I had prepped myself for the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life, having to watch both my babies go through that pain. Tiegan was a breeze - right after the poke, she said, "Ow. HEY, that hurt!" And that was that. She whimpered for a minute but was given a lollipop right away and thankfully the A.D.D. I passed down to her worked in diverting her attention. ;)

Sofia was even funnier. For her first shot, she just grunted. Like she was hunkering down and putting on her big girl panties to deal with the pain. HHRRNNNGGG. She cried a little for the second 2, but as soon as I picked her up she was fine.

Crisis averted.

I'm glad that trip is over with, but we're not out of the woods yet. I still have to take Tiegan to have some bloodwork done. Allergy testing. Should be interesting. Now that she remembers having shots, she HATES needles. I may need some advice on how to emotionally prep a 3-year-old for willingly being poked AGAIN.

The Middle Man

Right up there on my list of Top 10 Worst Feelings is being stuck in the middle of an argument. One that just goes on... and on... and on.

And today, I remove myself from that position.

My sister & her two boys (not that far off from the ages of my 2 girls) have recently moved back in with my parents. Things are extremely tense over at that house.

I used to enjoy bringing my girls over for long, leisurely visits at my parents' house. Now it's just short of a 3-ring circus over there, and tempers are constantly flaring. Not only do I hate being in that kind of environment (I used to sit on my bed and cry when Sis and Dad would scream at each other back in the day), I resent the fact that they all come to me separately to complain about each other instead of sitting down together and having civilized conversations about what they disagree on.

Today was the last straw for me. I've been dealing with it for months now and letting it roll off my back, although it saddens me to see my family at each other's throats. (Can't we all just get along?) I was over picking up my girls from their house this afternoon. I don't know the whole story, but while I was there, I heard that my sister fell asleep in my mom's car in a parking lot and someone called paramedics. My dad went to go pick her up. Mom & I were waiting to hear what happened once they got home, and what do you know - they walked in the door screaming and hollering and cursing at each other about who-knows-what.

Tiegan looked at me, her eyes begging me to make it stop... and my heart just broke into a million pieces. She is so sensitive to her environment and I could tell she just wanted the fighting to end. Just like I did when I was a little girl. I told Sis & Dad they were going to have to cool it or I was taking my girls home.

Sure enough, they kept right at it so I told Tiegan I was sorry but she had to get her shoes on. Within 5 minutes we were out the door. While we were leaving, my sister said (loudly enough for my parents to hear), "Thanks for visiting my JAIL CELL." Very mature. And with that, I washed my hands.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a violent place by any means. Things are just extremely tense over there and my sister & dad are so much alike (and STUBBORN) that they butt heads every time they talk.

This is the last time I will speak of the situation again. I'm so OVER being stressed about it. Maybe they will sort out their differences and we can enjoy being a family again. Or maybe things will never smooth over again. I don't know. All I can do is concentrate on my own life, and cling to the wonderful family Jason & I have created. I am so glad I have that.