2009 started off as the best year I'd ever had... and ended as the worst.
I am hoping that 2010 brings change, insight, acceptance and forgiveness. I cannot expect that of a mere number; time, something Man created. (MEN! Hmph.) I have to make it happen. Will it to happen. Whichever.
Here I sit, in my new kitchen, at my new table, looking out my new windows (through my new curtains), pondering the new life ahead of me.
I miss my girls. I am most upset, at the moment, that they have been taken away from me for half the week. I will not fight this, as I still think Jason is a great father and for the girls' best interest, they need him in their lives. I still get more overall time with them, and more full days than he does. But when I sit here, alone, in this empty house... my heart aches. A little bit because I've been dumped by someone I cherished with the entire depth of my soul... but more because I miss those 2 little angels that are my daughters. I miss their hugs, their voices, their giggles, their banter. Their snuggles, their warmth, and the fullness they bring to a home.
I feel like a big piece of me will always be missing, but hopefully in time having my girls, family and friends around will help fill that gap.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
And just like that...
Before you read this post, I urge you to go back and read the previous one first.
Ready?
Okay.
It's been two weeks since Jason asked for a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but just the way he said it... I knew he was sure. I am still confused as hell about WHY exactly he wants one. He used the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. He said he saw us hating each other in five years. But he gave no explanation as to why he feels this way. I've lost a lot of respect for him because he was so vague in his reasoning and none of those reasons should merit something as serious and consequential as a DIVORCE, especially with 2 children involved -- one as little as 5 months old. I feel he was extremely hasty in his decision and will regret it seriously down the road. But the damage has been done; the words have been uttered.
I'm deeply hurt and fear I always will be. I thought we were great together and only getting better. After my last post, we had a talk and silly me - I actually thought we were working things out and making our marriage stronger. If only he had told me he was feeling differently a LONG time ago...
I truly believed if he would have been honest about his feelings and willing to talk to me, we would have been a wonderful couple for life. He fooled a lot of people. Not only was I completely blown away by his sudden announcement, so was everyone else we knew. He certainly put forth a lot of effort on this charade, for a long time.
I will always love him as my daughters' father, and I will always want him back in a small way. But I'll know it's not the REAL him I want back - just the guy he fooled me into loving. I feel so used and misled. My emotions are pretty hot & cold these days; I have had my share of ups and downs in this short time.
In only 2 weeks, and over Christmas I might add, I've gotten my own house, completely moved, and became a single mother of two. If he changes his mind, it will be too late. My heart is broken for the first time. He was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.
Ready?
Okay.
It's been two weeks since Jason asked for a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but just the way he said it... I knew he was sure. I am still confused as hell about WHY exactly he wants one. He used the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. He said he saw us hating each other in five years. But he gave no explanation as to why he feels this way. I've lost a lot of respect for him because he was so vague in his reasoning and none of those reasons should merit something as serious and consequential as a DIVORCE, especially with 2 children involved -- one as little as 5 months old. I feel he was extremely hasty in his decision and will regret it seriously down the road. But the damage has been done; the words have been uttered.
I'm deeply hurt and fear I always will be. I thought we were great together and only getting better. After my last post, we had a talk and silly me - I actually thought we were working things out and making our marriage stronger. If only he had told me he was feeling differently a LONG time ago...
I truly believed if he would have been honest about his feelings and willing to talk to me, we would have been a wonderful couple for life. He fooled a lot of people. Not only was I completely blown away by his sudden announcement, so was everyone else we knew. He certainly put forth a lot of effort on this charade, for a long time.
I will always love him as my daughters' father, and I will always want him back in a small way. But I'll know it's not the REAL him I want back - just the guy he fooled me into loving. I feel so used and misled. My emotions are pretty hot & cold these days; I have had my share of ups and downs in this short time.
In only 2 weeks, and over Christmas I might add, I've gotten my own house, completely moved, and became a single mother of two. If he changes his mind, it will be too late. My heart is broken for the first time. He was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Cycle.
I'm not gonna lie, I have been feeling pretty down lately.
That's my excuse for not blogging.
Jason has been super involved in this indie film project (in Detroit), and adding that to him already having a full-time job out of town, we rarely see each other. I feel like I've supported him tremendously, but he feels like I haven't. I'm not really sure where we strayed from being on the same page.
Sure, he is gone a lot. And yeah, it's really tough on me to be home playing housewife and mommy all by myself. My only issue is that he doesn't seem to understand the load that has been put on me. He says he is doing this because he wants to go far with an acting career and be able to support the family with this career one day. That's great. I just want him to realize what I am sacrificing to make it possible, and maybe show a little appreciation.
I offered to do a free photoshoot for the cast of the film. I needed a challenge and to add to my portfolio, so it seemed like a perfect fit. I was still happy to do it, but I didn't expect it to end up costing as much money as it did when things are already pretty tight. Not to mention all the gas he has to pay for traveling back and forth to Detroit, and this is a pro-bono gig for him. I just hope it pays off in the long run. Our only issue is not money - in fact that is the least of our worries. It just adds to the stress. Just an example of how the whole family is sacrificing for this project; he's not the only one doing all the work.
I can't emphasize enough the fact that I SUPPORT him. I want this so badly for him. All I want in return is a little respect for working as hard as I do around here to keep the loose ends tied up. Taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, helping his project with graphic design & photos, on top of having a "day job," it's tough for me. I don't want a round of applause at the end of the day but a simple "hey, you're pretty awesome" once in a while would do the trick.
I happen to think I'm a great catch, but he's been showing me that he feels otherwise lately. I just love him so much, I want him to see ME and who I truly am, rather than seeing this mask his subconscious has created for me. I am not the whiny, selfish wife he thinks I am and I don't know what else I have to do to prove it.
That's my excuse for not blogging.
Jason has been super involved in this indie film project (in Detroit), and adding that to him already having a full-time job out of town, we rarely see each other. I feel like I've supported him tremendously, but he feels like I haven't. I'm not really sure where we strayed from being on the same page.
Sure, he is gone a lot. And yeah, it's really tough on me to be home playing housewife and mommy all by myself. My only issue is that he doesn't seem to understand the load that has been put on me. He says he is doing this because he wants to go far with an acting career and be able to support the family with this career one day. That's great. I just want him to realize what I am sacrificing to make it possible, and maybe show a little appreciation.
I offered to do a free photoshoot for the cast of the film. I needed a challenge and to add to my portfolio, so it seemed like a perfect fit. I was still happy to do it, but I didn't expect it to end up costing as much money as it did when things are already pretty tight. Not to mention all the gas he has to pay for traveling back and forth to Detroit, and this is a pro-bono gig for him. I just hope it pays off in the long run. Our only issue is not money - in fact that is the least of our worries. It just adds to the stress. Just an example of how the whole family is sacrificing for this project; he's not the only one doing all the work.
I can't emphasize enough the fact that I SUPPORT him. I want this so badly for him. All I want in return is a little respect for working as hard as I do around here to keep the loose ends tied up. Taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, helping his project with graphic design & photos, on top of having a "day job," it's tough for me. I don't want a round of applause at the end of the day but a simple "hey, you're pretty awesome" once in a while would do the trick.
I happen to think I'm a great catch, but he's been showing me that he feels otherwise lately. I just love him so much, I want him to see ME and who I truly am, rather than seeing this mask his subconscious has created for me. I am not the whiny, selfish wife he thinks I am and I don't know what else I have to do to prove it.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Love You Forever
Sofia (5 months old on December 10) has become much more exploratory. She has started reaching out for things and very gently, tenderly investigating with her hands.
She is in love with the sunshine on her exersaucer.
This morning, I stood her up on the couch (which is extremely ugly without the slipcover). She just stood there, leaning against the back cushion, rubbing and staring and picking at the texture.
I'm starting to remember how fun this age is. The world is so new and exciting to babies, and everything is so fascinating to them. When Sofia was still an 8 lb. newborn and starting to outgrow her first outfits, I was almost devastated at the fact that she would never be that small again. But now I'm over it, remembering how fun the first milestones are. The whole first year is just amazing, and I'm excited to be living in it one last time.
She is in love with the sunshine on her exersaucer.
This morning, I stood her up on the couch (which is extremely ugly without the slipcover). She just stood there, leaning against the back cushion, rubbing and staring and picking at the texture.
I'm starting to remember how fun this age is. The world is so new and exciting to babies, and everything is so fascinating to them. When Sofia was still an 8 lb. newborn and starting to outgrow her first outfits, I was almost devastated at the fact that she would never be that small again. But now I'm over it, remembering how fun the first milestones are. The whole first year is just amazing, and I'm excited to be living in it one last time.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Little Girl Blue
Can't take this kid anywhere.
This is one serious reflux baby. I can't believe that, at 4 months, she weighs 13 pounds. I'm surprised she's gained any weight since birth, with the amount she spits up. If I had to estimate, I would say that over time she spits up at least 1/3 of each bottle she drinks. It just keeps coming out, periodically, throughout the entire day.
We finally broke down and put her on Zantac a week ago. Tiegan was a reflux baby (although, if memory serves, not this bad) and was on Zantac as well. For Tiegan, it worked within a few days. We have yet to see a result with Sofia.
I wash her blankets every day. I do at least 2 batches of laundry a day, full of baby clothes, bibs, burp rags, my OWN clothes that have all been spit up on... and other than routine cleaning, I do an extra sinkful of teethers and binkies every day. I must say this is one mom that is no longer phased by baby puke.
I am hoping the Zantac starts working soon. She really doesn't seem to be pained by it, but that doesn't mean anything. It's still damaging her esophagus, and once she gets teeth, it will damage them too. If the Zantac ends up not working, I'm sure it's not reflux that's the problem - it's her hypertonicity. Her muscles are always on overdrive. She always wants to stand straight up. We have to actually force her to bend at the hips to sit down in her swing, bumbo seat, etc.
Poor kid.
But... ain't she purdy? :)
This is one serious reflux baby. I can't believe that, at 4 months, she weighs 13 pounds. I'm surprised she's gained any weight since birth, with the amount she spits up. If I had to estimate, I would say that over time she spits up at least 1/3 of each bottle she drinks. It just keeps coming out, periodically, throughout the entire day.
We finally broke down and put her on Zantac a week ago. Tiegan was a reflux baby (although, if memory serves, not this bad) and was on Zantac as well. For Tiegan, it worked within a few days. We have yet to see a result with Sofia.
I wash her blankets every day. I do at least 2 batches of laundry a day, full of baby clothes, bibs, burp rags, my OWN clothes that have all been spit up on... and other than routine cleaning, I do an extra sinkful of teethers and binkies every day. I must say this is one mom that is no longer phased by baby puke.
I am hoping the Zantac starts working soon. She really doesn't seem to be pained by it, but that doesn't mean anything. It's still damaging her esophagus, and once she gets teeth, it will damage them too. If the Zantac ends up not working, I'm sure it's not reflux that's the problem - it's her hypertonicity. Her muscles are always on overdrive. She always wants to stand straight up. We have to actually force her to bend at the hips to sit down in her swing, bumbo seat, etc.
Poor kid.
But... ain't she purdy? :)
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