Hibernate.

Today has been a perfect hibernation day, which is exactly what I've been doing (since I got out of work, of course). Sofia & I had a nice little nap together on the couch. It's windy as hell, and there's a chilly rain coating the town. That sound is wonderful. I turned off the TV and we let the wind and the rain shhhhh us to sleep.

My schedule has been shifted. I used to work 9am-2pm, but now I work 8am-1pm. Such a small change, but what a big difference it makes in my life. When I leave work, I feel like I've already done so much... but I still have the entire day left ahead of me. Even though I don't get as much sleep, I feel like my days have been stretched out for me and that's heaven sent.

Now if only I could actually muster the motivation to use all that precious time given to me for things like cleaning & laundry, it would be top notch around here. Trying not to feel guilty for things like... oh, say, afternoon naps on the couch with my 2 month old baby. I could be cleaning, but is that better than snuggling a baby?

That's what I thought.

In another random thought process...
I decided my next big-ish purchase will be a digital video device. Since the disappearance of my mini camcorder, I have really been feeling awful about not capturing any video in the past year - especially Sofia's birth and newborn-ness. It really hit me the other day when Tiegan read her first book, cover to cover ON HER OWN, that we are missing precious milestones here.

So, it might take a couple paychecks to save up the extra money, but I am trying to decide between a Flip Mino or a standard point-&-shoot camera that takes good video clips. We wouldn't really record for long periods of time, so either of these would be perfect. I already have the digital SLR for still photos, but it's quite a brick to lug around when we have both kids and just want snapshots during our outings. That's why I'm thinking maybe a point-&-shoot, that way we have another option for photos as well as videos when we're on the go.

Photo quality is key, though.

So... photographer buds... any suggestions?

Meditate.

Things I Cannot Take For Granted, Ever:

• Having a washer/dryer, especially with a baby in the house.
• Drawn-out hugs.
• Jugs of ice-cold drinking water at the ready.
• Having over 200 channels on TV.
• Time to myself & the use of headphones in the evening.

That last one is really what prompted this entry. This evening I went to pandora.com and plugged in. At night after the girls have gone to sleep, and Jason is usually either watching a movie or playing video games, it's the perfect time for me to retreat deep into my own mind. And that's just what I can do when I crank up the volume so my music is literally all I can hear. For a little while each evening, it's just me and my thoughts. And even though I cherish time spent with my family, I value that retreat I'm able to have every day.

It's a place where I can rescue my sanity. I can think about how I can improve upon myself tomorrow. About how I feel, and why I feel that way. Or maybe I can think about nothing at all for a change.

One [Little] Happy Family

I could just kick myself for the number of times I've picked up my camera in the past few weeks. I don't know if I've lost the inspiration, or I get so busy and plum forget.

But the girls were being too cute to forget last night...

(Smiling at her Daddy)

Tiegan has this thing where she can't take a serious or nice picture with me. Every time I turn the camera around to take a picture of us together, she makes a goofy face. So I guess I just have to play along, and it can be our thing.

Speaking of things I should be doing more often (like taking pictures), I need to be taking the girls out more. These gorgeous early-autumn days are not going to last long and I want to take advantage. I'm fully capable of taking them places on my own, but it really helps to have Jason around. Not to mention it's nice to spend time together as a family (of 4!! I'm still in shock).

J has been really interested in acting lately. He's slated to start shooting an indie film in a couple of weeks, and has lined up several more auditions. This will monopolize his weekends for a long time. I'm so happy that he is getting the chance to do something he really enjoys, but I'm also a little disappointed that it means less time with me & the girls. The guy deserves a break, though. He has worked so hard every day to keep our family happy & healthy, and is always looking for ways to improve upon himself. So instead of looking at his film hobby as taking away from his family time (and subsequently becoming jealous of said hobby), I will remember that it means more quality time for ME & the girls.

Speaking of which, I can really, really relate to Heather Armstrong's latest blog entry. I mean - even if you're not a MommyBlog reader, you should still follow this chick. She's an amazing writer and I'm almost embarrassed to admit that sometimes I've been a couple minutes late leaving for work because I just couldn't pull myself away from my Blog Reader in the morning when she's written a good, long, juicy entry.

This afternoon we're taking Tiegan to get her blood drawn. They will be testing for allergies. That's better than the 20-pokes-in-the-back-and-lie-still-for-an-hour method, but I still cringe at the thought of someone sticking a needle in my little girl's arm. I'm trying to think of something that we can do afterward to lift her spirits. I'm open to suggestions.

4 & Going Strong.

For our 4th anniversary, Jason and I left the girls with his parents from Saturday to Sunday. It was my first night away from Sofia, which was verrry strange. We left early in the morning Saturday, dropped the girls off, and headed up to Gladwin, MI for a little R&R at J's parents' camper. They have a little property up there near Pratt's lake and they just keep their 5th wheel up there year-round.

We spent most of the day Saturday just dinking around downtown Gladwin and skipped over to Bay City for a little while, too.

It's a good thing I picked up a catalog of attractions in Bay City while we were at a rest stop on the way up North, because I found this cool little car museum we probably never would have found from just driving/walking around town. I love finding things we can both enjoy. Car museums and arcades are at the top of the list. Believe it or not, we both kinda dig antique stores too, which there are PLENTY of in that area.

We found a sweet Bel Air that we fell in love with. If we ever run into a huge amount of money, we'd love to collect cars - this being one of them.


And this one, which has been one of my loves for quite some time (any guesses?)


We found this antique store in Bay City which claims to be the biggest antique store in Michigan. Pretty cool. There was toonnnssss of architectural salvage, and a whole room with practically nothing but old street signs. Piles of them.



We found a "Smith St." but didn't buy it because it was attached to another one. Boo hoo.

And more...



We brought a slew of movies with us to watch on the laptop if we happened to get bored in the camper at night.



We did get bored. However, there was only enough power provided by the marine battery we brought with us to power the lights - not the electrical outlets. So we played a few games of Yahtzee and called it a night.

Snuggling up with Jason in bed, I found myself getting really homesick. I was surprised. Up until this point, I was really glad to have had a nice little getaway from the Real World. But there I was, missing my bed at home and the whirr of my fan and the breeze off the lake and the grunts of my 2 month old wiggling around in the bassinet and the whispers of my 3 year old asking me to take her to the bathroom at 2 o'clock in the morning.

We did finally fall asleep, though, after very briefly considering packing up and driving all the way home at 10pm (a 3 hour drive) just because we missed it so much. Yeah. THAT much.

As expected, my internal clock woke me up at 3am, when Sofia usually wants her night-time bottle. It was strange waking up to complete silence. Lonely.

We packed up and left at about 7am the next morning. We stopped for breakfast at Blue Moon Cafe once we were back in town and picked up the girls. It was like I hadn't seen them in weeks. I didn't miss them so much that it ruined my weekend. We still had a pretty fabulous day & night to ourselves (although Mother Nature had to visit me just in time for us to leave town - THANKS, APPRECIATE IT!!).

Catching Up

The girls both had doctor's appointments last week - Tiegan's 3.5 yr, and Sofia's 2 month checkup.



We ended up spending 3 ridiculously long hours at the pediatrician's office, catching up on the past year of Tiegan's life, and the past 2 months of Sofia's, because she hadn't been seen since birth (long story - some other time).

The overall outcome of the appointment is that they're both pretty healthy, but there are some things to check out & keep an eye on. Sofia is the picture of health except for a tiny bit of a heart murmur. Tiegan has had one since birth, too. These are generally benign and go away on their own, but given a family history of serious heart defects, we need to keep a close eye on them. It runs in Jason's maternal side as far back as he knows. His grandmother has had valve replacement, and he and his mother were born with defective valves. We are still coming to terms with the fact that he will have to have open heart surgery at some point in his life, and has already been hospitalized at ages 23 and 25. He had a friend that dropped dead on a softball field because of this same valve malfunction. So, I'm totally OK with being a nervous nellie and keeping a close eye on their hearts from an early age so we know their athletic limits. They both have appointments with a University of Michigan cardiologist next month.

Tiegan had negative pressure in her right ear and failed a hearing test, which explains why she is always turning her head to listen to people/tv/music etc. The pediatrician thinks it may be due to inflamed sinus cavities from allergies, and put her on daily Claritin. If that doesn't reduce the swelling in her head, then she will need tubes in her ears. We'll find out in 1 month if the Claritin has done its job. Cross your fingers.

Tiegan had 1 vaccination and Sofia had 3. They were both hilarious. I had prepped myself for the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life, having to watch both my babies go through that pain. Tiegan was a breeze - right after the poke, she said, "Ow. HEY, that hurt!" And that was that. She whimpered for a minute but was given a lollipop right away and thankfully the A.D.D. I passed down to her worked in diverting her attention. ;)

Sofia was even funnier. For her first shot, she just grunted. Like she was hunkering down and putting on her big girl panties to deal with the pain. HHRRNNNGGG. She cried a little for the second 2, but as soon as I picked her up she was fine.

Crisis averted.

I'm glad that trip is over with, but we're not out of the woods yet. I still have to take Tiegan to have some bloodwork done. Allergy testing. Should be interesting. Now that she remembers having shots, she HATES needles. I may need some advice on how to emotionally prep a 3-year-old for willingly being poked AGAIN.

The Middle Man

Right up there on my list of Top 10 Worst Feelings is being stuck in the middle of an argument. One that just goes on... and on... and on.

And today, I remove myself from that position.

My sister & her two boys (not that far off from the ages of my 2 girls) have recently moved back in with my parents. Things are extremely tense over at that house.

I used to enjoy bringing my girls over for long, leisurely visits at my parents' house. Now it's just short of a 3-ring circus over there, and tempers are constantly flaring. Not only do I hate being in that kind of environment (I used to sit on my bed and cry when Sis and Dad would scream at each other back in the day), I resent the fact that they all come to me separately to complain about each other instead of sitting down together and having civilized conversations about what they disagree on.

Today was the last straw for me. I've been dealing with it for months now and letting it roll off my back, although it saddens me to see my family at each other's throats. (Can't we all just get along?) I was over picking up my girls from their house this afternoon. I don't know the whole story, but while I was there, I heard that my sister fell asleep in my mom's car in a parking lot and someone called paramedics. My dad went to go pick her up. Mom & I were waiting to hear what happened once they got home, and what do you know - they walked in the door screaming and hollering and cursing at each other about who-knows-what.

Tiegan looked at me, her eyes begging me to make it stop... and my heart just broke into a million pieces. She is so sensitive to her environment and I could tell she just wanted the fighting to end. Just like I did when I was a little girl. I told Sis & Dad they were going to have to cool it or I was taking my girls home.

Sure enough, they kept right at it so I told Tiegan I was sorry but she had to get her shoes on. Within 5 minutes we were out the door. While we were leaving, my sister said (loudly enough for my parents to hear), "Thanks for visiting my JAIL CELL." Very mature. And with that, I washed my hands.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a violent place by any means. Things are just extremely tense over there and my sister & dad are so much alike (and STUBBORN) that they butt heads every time they talk.

This is the last time I will speak of the situation again. I'm so OVER being stressed about it. Maybe they will sort out their differences and we can enjoy being a family again. Or maybe things will never smooth over again. I don't know. All I can do is concentrate on my own life, and cling to the wonderful family Jason & I have created. I am so glad I have that.

Yours & Mine

Today marks the fourth year that Jason & I have been married.

On this day in 2005, there was plenty of sun and the temperature had to have been in the low 80's. I think it was our very last gorgeous summer day of that year.

Jason & I were already living together, and I was a few months pregnant... so just for fun, my bridesmaids and I spent the night at my parents' house the night before the wedding. It was that night - at about 2am while I was lying awake in bed - that I felt those first flutters of baby movement in my belly. Such a special memory for me. I knew what it was right away and felt like waking the whole house up to tell everyone. But I kept it to myself and let them sleep.

Luckily at the time I wasn't showing very much yet and was able to wear the wedding dress I had picked out several months earlier.



I knew Jason had a surprise for me for after the wedding, but I had no idea what it would be. He even gave me a clue that it had something to do with the getaway vehicle... I was still stumped. I don't have time now, but soon I will find the picture of the look on my face when I finally saw my surprise:



Details I remember from our wedding...

• My mom bought me a $100 tiara/headband several months before the wedding, along with my wedding dress. When we went to pick out the bridesmaids dresses later, I found one that I liked better. My mom bought that one too, and it's the one I wore. I still have both - the first one even has the tag on it.
• My legs/ankles were covered in mosquito bites/scars and I was so worried I wouldn't photograph well during the garter shots.
• Minutes before the wedding was to start, I was walking around the dressing room and realized that the seamstress had done a HORRIBLE job taking up the length of my dress. I was tripping all over it. Luckily the skirt was just 14 layers of tulle and my mom and godmother were able to trim it up with scissors and nobody noticed.
• I wore white ballet slippers so I wouldn't appear taller than Jason at the altar.
• I didn't get to spend much time with Jason at the reception (which was at Bullinger's). We kept getting called to different areas and practically the only time we actually saw each other was when we danced, and during the garter bit.
• Jason let his friend Tim and his girlfriend crash at OUR HOUSE on our WEDDING NIGHT because they were too drunk to drive.
• The groomsmen were in charge of blowing out all the candles after the wedding. They forgot, and our unity candle set the flowers around it on fire.
• My mom and I made all the bouquets by hand, using silk flowers. They were made of hydrangeas and long grasses.
• During the ceremony, Jason and I had our eyes fixed on each other. We barely looked away. I couldn't stop smiling. My face hurt by the end of the evening.
• During our first dance at the reception, it was the same thing. We kept staring at each other and giggling... and there was lots of kissing.
• Our photographer was weird. He didn't take many candid pictures of US; instead he took lots of photos of my friend Sarah and her DD rack, the people from our church that he knew, and Jason's grandpa making out with his wife on the dance floor.

It was a wonderful day - a little rushed, but wonderful. I am so glad to have committed to the man I know was meant for me. Our whole lives had been leading up to that one night that we saw each other again for the first time - I just know it.

The Meaning of True Love

Tonight, as I was running my fingers through Jason's hair and trying to sleep, I came to a realization.

He must really love me.

Of course I knew this, but I was suddenly hit in the face with this moment of clarity, all starting with something incredibly superficial.

My mind really wanders to strange and random places when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep. Tonight I was imagining what my life would be like if Jason & I had waited to get married & have children. I thought about how wrapped up in each other we were back in 2005, when we first got together again. For those of you who don't know the back story, we dated briefly when I was 16 and he was 19. He had gone back to college at WMU and I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, after which I decided to break up with him via e-mail. I know, cold on both ends! Suddenly, 4 years later, and me on my way to getting married to a guy in the Navy & moving to South Carolina (or wherever he was to be stationed), Jason called me out of the blue & invited me to a party he was having.

I almost didn't go. I thought "hey, I'm engaged, and it would look bad if I was off at some other guy's party." Later that night, I hopped out of bed and said what the hell. I'm going to have fun.

The second I pulled into Jason's driveway and saw him again for the first time, I fell hard. We both did. I went into hiding for the next couple weeks to avoid the inevitable. Here I was, making wedding plans with a guy, and falling for someone else. It was like the moment I saw Jason again, my whole life was like a globe that had been whirled around by some random passerby and I had no idea which direction I was facing anymore. During those couple weeks, Jason called me non-stop. He extended several invitations to come over and chat. I denied, denied, denied. I needed time to think my life over.

One might think he was totally obsessed and borderline insane for the number of times he called, and how often he filled my voicemail to the point where I would have to delete messages to make room.

As much as I tried to avoid the situation, I just kept falling harder.

I finally agreed to come over and talk. I remember very vividly - I was on the couch and he was sitting on the floor in front of me. I stared into his eyes. Couldn't stop. They were stunning. They pulled me in. It was then that I broke things off with my fiance and started moving in with Jason. It all happened very fast.

I can't describe to you how comfortable I am with him. I have been from day 1. I can tell him anything. He quickly became my best friend before we became a "couple" again, and I think that's imperative. He will always be my best friend. I know this because it happened naturally. I didn't have to take time to settle in and feel my way around our boundaries and comfort zones. We just fit, instantly.

SO, now that you know the back story, I'll go on with what I came here to say. Something way less interesting than all of that. (Sorry.)

As I was running my fingers through Jason's hair, I thought about how I gave him a haircut recently. I remembered admiring the snazzy job I did & saying that I should start charging guys for haircuts. Then I quickly dismissed that idea because I wouldn't feel comfortable touching another guy's hair. Comfortable. Comfort. Then I thought - HEY - comfort. Jason must have been really comfortable with me to ask me if I'd cut his hair.

You're like - so what?

I'll tell you what. It's a big deal because he's very picky about his hair. I often tease him about being borderline metro. Sometimes he can be surprisingly conscious of his appearance.

This being the case, I got to thinking that he must really trust me. I mean of course he trusts me - but regular "marriage trust" and "clippers, razors and scissors trust" are totally different things. If he "clippers, razors and scissors" trusts me, that must mean he REALLY LOVES ME.

All Smiles.

Seeing this as the wallpaper on my phone every time I go to use it gives me the biggest grin. My 2 ladies really are the light(s) of my life.

Sofia's hair is starting to grow back on top, ever so slightly. I remember Tiegan lost most of her hair on top, and it took months to grow back. She had that "old man" hairline for the longest time.

Miss Q is learning how to pull hair. It was cute at first, like if she was resting her head up on my shoulder - she'd hang onto my hair gently almost if it made her feel more secure. Now, she pulls. HARD. I forgot how strong babies can be!

8 weeks Friday. Can you believe it? In ways I can, and in ways I can't. Jason and I were just discussing this - sometimes it feels like I was just pregnant the other day, but other times it feels like it's been a long time. Like I've said before, it feels like Sofia has been a part of our lives forever - we just had to make her a reality. Only 8 weeks old and we already know her so well. The 2nd time around really helps you to realize that each baby, even this young, has his/her own very unique personality.

I was emailing my sister with a life update the other day and found myself gushing about how wonderful everything is. I didn't really expect to brag, but that's what it felt like I was doing. My only big complaint is about these extra 20 lbs. I'm hanging on to, and that I don't feel comfortable in any of my clothes. Everything else overshadows that, though, so it doesn't worry me so much. Not like it did last time. I cried every night for months after I had Tiegan - I know that sounds so superficial, but it wasn't just that. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Not only did nothing fit, but my skin was literally sore. No one had told me my body would never go back to "normal." No one warned me to be prepared for that. This time I was prepared, which is probably a big part of the reason I'm not so bothered.

That, and the hopes that someday I will get a tummy tuck. ;)