Daydream

I am so happy with the fact that I have become a family woman. I have found love in my heart that I never knew could exist in such a capacity. This feels right - being married to my best friend, and raising 2 daughters together with our combined values & creativity. But all the while, I feel like there's a side of me that's been in a state of inertia. Maybe I've forgotten about this part of myself... or perhaps I've been stifling it on purpose?

For months I've been trying to convince myself it's just the money blues. I've dreamed for so long of being completely self-sufficient. Asking the hubby if we have enough in our week's budget for me to be able to run out and grab a pair of measley rubber gloves is indeed frustrating. I'd love to be at least doing my part around here. Jason busts his rump every day just to make ends meet and I couldn't admire him more for it. I'm thankful we are at least surviving.

As happy as I am to be doing it, I don't feel it's my job to do nothing but stay at home, raise the kids and keep the house neat. Of course I hope to be able to find at least a part-time job after Sofia is born. Even if Jason doesn't expect that of me, I expect it of myself.

Honestly, though, lately I'm having visions that I've been trying to push out of my head. "It's impossible right now," I keep telling myself. I see myself as a magazine photographer. In some daydreams I work for Real Simple. In others, I work for Cottage Living. I'm able to buy myself top-of-the-line equipment and I know what I'm doing (not that I don't right now... but I'd love to take some classes). I see Jason, Tiegan, Sofia and myself in a large home where each of us has a getaway space. J has his man-cave, I have an office, and the girls have a playroom as well as their separate bedrooms. Of course it's in a nice area near water. Maybe even California. Jason is able to write, sing, or do whatever his heart desires.

I stifle these dreams because I know we need to just wait. I'm still positive we will live this kind of life someday, but we need to get over a couple hurdles first. Until then... I'm extremely anxious to be able to start working toward this goal again.