Things have been going better for me over the past few weeks.
At first, obviously the divorce devastated and shocked me. In a very short amount of time I found my own house to rent, opened my own individual bank account, and started living independently. It's done me a world of good and I'm so glad I got out quickly. If we were still living together and taking our sweet time with the divorce, I would be miserable. He is already spending the night in Detroit a lot, which is something I had to really just force myself to stop analyzing in my head.
Going through with the legality of everything is going to be painful, I'm sure. It will be a constant reminder of the rejection. But after it's all said and done, I have hope that there will be a wonderful life waiting for me. I've already started living it. I'm surprised to say that I feel very much at home in my new house. I was worried that wouldn't happen for me.
One thing that saddens me the most is not having my children every day. Especially having JUST had a baby - she is only 6 months old. I feel like I am really going to miss out on a lot of their lives. Right now, our schedule is weird. Hopefully we can clean it up over time, but it works for the time being. So far I have them Thursday-Sunday, and then just Sofia Monday afternoon (Tiegan stays with Judy Mondays as she takes her to dance class in the evenings). The rest of the week Jason picks them up from his grandma after work.
I am trying to put a positive spin on it for myself. At least I have time to unwind after work and can keep a clean house without having to constantly pick up after kids. I gotta admit, though, life is pretty lonely without my best girls around on the weekdays. I'm just glad that most of my time with them consists of full days from start to finish. That way their schedules won't be so entirely messed up. We had our little routine and they were doing so well. Luckily Tiegan LOVES my (our) new house and Sofia has been sleeping, eating and playing as well as ever when she's with me.
Tiegan seems to be doing okay overall. I don't think she understands the whole Divorce thing just yet, and that's okay. She doesn't really seem to be confused by the fact that Mommy and Daddy live in different houses now. I asked her if she knew what getting a divorce meant, and she said, "Yeah, it's when you go live in a new house with Mommy!"
I guess that will work for now. I don't want to hide things from her, but I also don't want her to know that this was all Daddy's idea. I don't want her to resent him. Any advice about the future and further explaining things would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that will be a little tough to figure out is her birthday. She will be 4 next month and I'm thinking we'll just have to have 2 separate parties. I won't be able to afford much, if anything, so I hope mine is enjoyable for her.
It's kind of a pain to add them here, so you can see some phone-pics of the new digs here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/minisandme/
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Unwanted Change
2009 started off as the best year I'd ever had... and ended as the worst.
I am hoping that 2010 brings change, insight, acceptance and forgiveness. I cannot expect that of a mere number; time, something Man created. (MEN! Hmph.) I have to make it happen. Will it to happen. Whichever.
Here I sit, in my new kitchen, at my new table, looking out my new windows (through my new curtains), pondering the new life ahead of me.
I miss my girls. I am most upset, at the moment, that they have been taken away from me for half the week. I will not fight this, as I still think Jason is a great father and for the girls' best interest, they need him in their lives. I still get more overall time with them, and more full days than he does. But when I sit here, alone, in this empty house... my heart aches. A little bit because I've been dumped by someone I cherished with the entire depth of my soul... but more because I miss those 2 little angels that are my daughters. I miss their hugs, their voices, their giggles, their banter. Their snuggles, their warmth, and the fullness they bring to a home.
I feel like a big piece of me will always be missing, but hopefully in time having my girls, family and friends around will help fill that gap.
I am hoping that 2010 brings change, insight, acceptance and forgiveness. I cannot expect that of a mere number; time, something Man created. (MEN! Hmph.) I have to make it happen. Will it to happen. Whichever.
Here I sit, in my new kitchen, at my new table, looking out my new windows (through my new curtains), pondering the new life ahead of me.
I miss my girls. I am most upset, at the moment, that they have been taken away from me for half the week. I will not fight this, as I still think Jason is a great father and for the girls' best interest, they need him in their lives. I still get more overall time with them, and more full days than he does. But when I sit here, alone, in this empty house... my heart aches. A little bit because I've been dumped by someone I cherished with the entire depth of my soul... but more because I miss those 2 little angels that are my daughters. I miss their hugs, their voices, their giggles, their banter. Their snuggles, their warmth, and the fullness they bring to a home.
I feel like a big piece of me will always be missing, but hopefully in time having my girls, family and friends around will help fill that gap.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
And just like that...
Before you read this post, I urge you to go back and read the previous one first.
Ready?
Okay.
It's been two weeks since Jason asked for a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but just the way he said it... I knew he was sure. I am still confused as hell about WHY exactly he wants one. He used the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. He said he saw us hating each other in five years. But he gave no explanation as to why he feels this way. I've lost a lot of respect for him because he was so vague in his reasoning and none of those reasons should merit something as serious and consequential as a DIVORCE, especially with 2 children involved -- one as little as 5 months old. I feel he was extremely hasty in his decision and will regret it seriously down the road. But the damage has been done; the words have been uttered.
I'm deeply hurt and fear I always will be. I thought we were great together and only getting better. After my last post, we had a talk and silly me - I actually thought we were working things out and making our marriage stronger. If only he had told me he was feeling differently a LONG time ago...
I truly believed if he would have been honest about his feelings and willing to talk to me, we would have been a wonderful couple for life. He fooled a lot of people. Not only was I completely blown away by his sudden announcement, so was everyone else we knew. He certainly put forth a lot of effort on this charade, for a long time.
I will always love him as my daughters' father, and I will always want him back in a small way. But I'll know it's not the REAL him I want back - just the guy he fooled me into loving. I feel so used and misled. My emotions are pretty hot & cold these days; I have had my share of ups and downs in this short time.
In only 2 weeks, and over Christmas I might add, I've gotten my own house, completely moved, and became a single mother of two. If he changes his mind, it will be too late. My heart is broken for the first time. He was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.
Ready?
Okay.
It's been two weeks since Jason asked for a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but just the way he said it... I knew he was sure. I am still confused as hell about WHY exactly he wants one. He used the whole, "it's not you, it's me" routine. He said he saw us hating each other in five years. But he gave no explanation as to why he feels this way. I've lost a lot of respect for him because he was so vague in his reasoning and none of those reasons should merit something as serious and consequential as a DIVORCE, especially with 2 children involved -- one as little as 5 months old. I feel he was extremely hasty in his decision and will regret it seriously down the road. But the damage has been done; the words have been uttered.
I'm deeply hurt and fear I always will be. I thought we were great together and only getting better. After my last post, we had a talk and silly me - I actually thought we were working things out and making our marriage stronger. If only he had told me he was feeling differently a LONG time ago...
I truly believed if he would have been honest about his feelings and willing to talk to me, we would have been a wonderful couple for life. He fooled a lot of people. Not only was I completely blown away by his sudden announcement, so was everyone else we knew. He certainly put forth a lot of effort on this charade, for a long time.
I will always love him as my daughters' father, and I will always want him back in a small way. But I'll know it's not the REAL him I want back - just the guy he fooled me into loving. I feel so used and misled. My emotions are pretty hot & cold these days; I have had my share of ups and downs in this short time.
In only 2 weeks, and over Christmas I might add, I've gotten my own house, completely moved, and became a single mother of two. If he changes his mind, it will be too late. My heart is broken for the first time. He was the love of my life, but I wasn't his.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Cycle.
I'm not gonna lie, I have been feeling pretty down lately.
That's my excuse for not blogging.
Jason has been super involved in this indie film project (in Detroit), and adding that to him already having a full-time job out of town, we rarely see each other. I feel like I've supported him tremendously, but he feels like I haven't. I'm not really sure where we strayed from being on the same page.
Sure, he is gone a lot. And yeah, it's really tough on me to be home playing housewife and mommy all by myself. My only issue is that he doesn't seem to understand the load that has been put on me. He says he is doing this because he wants to go far with an acting career and be able to support the family with this career one day. That's great. I just want him to realize what I am sacrificing to make it possible, and maybe show a little appreciation.
I offered to do a free photoshoot for the cast of the film. I needed a challenge and to add to my portfolio, so it seemed like a perfect fit. I was still happy to do it, but I didn't expect it to end up costing as much money as it did when things are already pretty tight. Not to mention all the gas he has to pay for traveling back and forth to Detroit, and this is a pro-bono gig for him. I just hope it pays off in the long run. Our only issue is not money - in fact that is the least of our worries. It just adds to the stress. Just an example of how the whole family is sacrificing for this project; he's not the only one doing all the work.
I can't emphasize enough the fact that I SUPPORT him. I want this so badly for him. All I want in return is a little respect for working as hard as I do around here to keep the loose ends tied up. Taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, helping his project with graphic design & photos, on top of having a "day job," it's tough for me. I don't want a round of applause at the end of the day but a simple "hey, you're pretty awesome" once in a while would do the trick.
I happen to think I'm a great catch, but he's been showing me that he feels otherwise lately. I just love him so much, I want him to see ME and who I truly am, rather than seeing this mask his subconscious has created for me. I am not the whiny, selfish wife he thinks I am and I don't know what else I have to do to prove it.
That's my excuse for not blogging.
Jason has been super involved in this indie film project (in Detroit), and adding that to him already having a full-time job out of town, we rarely see each other. I feel like I've supported him tremendously, but he feels like I haven't. I'm not really sure where we strayed from being on the same page.
Sure, he is gone a lot. And yeah, it's really tough on me to be home playing housewife and mommy all by myself. My only issue is that he doesn't seem to understand the load that has been put on me. He says he is doing this because he wants to go far with an acting career and be able to support the family with this career one day. That's great. I just want him to realize what I am sacrificing to make it possible, and maybe show a little appreciation.
I offered to do a free photoshoot for the cast of the film. I needed a challenge and to add to my portfolio, so it seemed like a perfect fit. I was still happy to do it, but I didn't expect it to end up costing as much money as it did when things are already pretty tight. Not to mention all the gas he has to pay for traveling back and forth to Detroit, and this is a pro-bono gig for him. I just hope it pays off in the long run. Our only issue is not money - in fact that is the least of our worries. It just adds to the stress. Just an example of how the whole family is sacrificing for this project; he's not the only one doing all the work.
I can't emphasize enough the fact that I SUPPORT him. I want this so badly for him. All I want in return is a little respect for working as hard as I do around here to keep the loose ends tied up. Taking care of the children, cooking, cleaning, helping his project with graphic design & photos, on top of having a "day job," it's tough for me. I don't want a round of applause at the end of the day but a simple "hey, you're pretty awesome" once in a while would do the trick.
I happen to think I'm a great catch, but he's been showing me that he feels otherwise lately. I just love him so much, I want him to see ME and who I truly am, rather than seeing this mask his subconscious has created for me. I am not the whiny, selfish wife he thinks I am and I don't know what else I have to do to prove it.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Love You Forever
Sofia (5 months old on December 10) has become much more exploratory. She has started reaching out for things and very gently, tenderly investigating with her hands.
She is in love with the sunshine on her exersaucer.
This morning, I stood her up on the couch (which is extremely ugly without the slipcover). She just stood there, leaning against the back cushion, rubbing and staring and picking at the texture.
I'm starting to remember how fun this age is. The world is so new and exciting to babies, and everything is so fascinating to them. When Sofia was still an 8 lb. newborn and starting to outgrow her first outfits, I was almost devastated at the fact that she would never be that small again. But now I'm over it, remembering how fun the first milestones are. The whole first year is just amazing, and I'm excited to be living in it one last time.
She is in love with the sunshine on her exersaucer.
This morning, I stood her up on the couch (which is extremely ugly without the slipcover). She just stood there, leaning against the back cushion, rubbing and staring and picking at the texture.
I'm starting to remember how fun this age is. The world is so new and exciting to babies, and everything is so fascinating to them. When Sofia was still an 8 lb. newborn and starting to outgrow her first outfits, I was almost devastated at the fact that she would never be that small again. But now I'm over it, remembering how fun the first milestones are. The whole first year is just amazing, and I'm excited to be living in it one last time.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Little Girl Blue
Can't take this kid anywhere.
This is one serious reflux baby. I can't believe that, at 4 months, she weighs 13 pounds. I'm surprised she's gained any weight since birth, with the amount she spits up. If I had to estimate, I would say that over time she spits up at least 1/3 of each bottle she drinks. It just keeps coming out, periodically, throughout the entire day.
We finally broke down and put her on Zantac a week ago. Tiegan was a reflux baby (although, if memory serves, not this bad) and was on Zantac as well. For Tiegan, it worked within a few days. We have yet to see a result with Sofia.
I wash her blankets every day. I do at least 2 batches of laundry a day, full of baby clothes, bibs, burp rags, my OWN clothes that have all been spit up on... and other than routine cleaning, I do an extra sinkful of teethers and binkies every day. I must say this is one mom that is no longer phased by baby puke.
I am hoping the Zantac starts working soon. She really doesn't seem to be pained by it, but that doesn't mean anything. It's still damaging her esophagus, and once she gets teeth, it will damage them too. If the Zantac ends up not working, I'm sure it's not reflux that's the problem - it's her hypertonicity. Her muscles are always on overdrive. She always wants to stand straight up. We have to actually force her to bend at the hips to sit down in her swing, bumbo seat, etc.
Poor kid.
But... ain't she purdy? :)
This is one serious reflux baby. I can't believe that, at 4 months, she weighs 13 pounds. I'm surprised she's gained any weight since birth, with the amount she spits up. If I had to estimate, I would say that over time she spits up at least 1/3 of each bottle she drinks. It just keeps coming out, periodically, throughout the entire day.
We finally broke down and put her on Zantac a week ago. Tiegan was a reflux baby (although, if memory serves, not this bad) and was on Zantac as well. For Tiegan, it worked within a few days. We have yet to see a result with Sofia.
I wash her blankets every day. I do at least 2 batches of laundry a day, full of baby clothes, bibs, burp rags, my OWN clothes that have all been spit up on... and other than routine cleaning, I do an extra sinkful of teethers and binkies every day. I must say this is one mom that is no longer phased by baby puke.
I am hoping the Zantac starts working soon. She really doesn't seem to be pained by it, but that doesn't mean anything. It's still damaging her esophagus, and once she gets teeth, it will damage them too. If the Zantac ends up not working, I'm sure it's not reflux that's the problem - it's her hypertonicity. Her muscles are always on overdrive. She always wants to stand straight up. We have to actually force her to bend at the hips to sit down in her swing, bumbo seat, etc.
Poor kid.
But... ain't she purdy? :)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Gettin' my Hurr did.
Every year about this time, I spring for darker hair. I just think it's more appropriate for fall & winter. Don't know why, but it's always worked out for me.
Last year it was short & shaggy.
This year it's grown out quite a bit. I feel like it's been growing so slowly, but now that I see how much more hair I have in just 1 year... I guess it wasn't that slow after all.
Has anyone ever tried the Tousle me Softly products? Do they work?
Last year it was short & shaggy.
This year it's grown out quite a bit. I feel like it's been growing so slowly, but now that I see how much more hair I have in just 1 year... I guess it wasn't that slow after all.
Has anyone ever tried the Tousle me Softly products? Do they work?
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